Basics for Understanding Our Spouses

[Choir singing] Just as the fellowship cannot be more spiritual than the individuals and families that constitute them. God will even desire a godly offspring. These are words of restoration and instruction in righteousness from Family Tents Ministry. May you be blessed as you listen. [Speaker 1] Hello our brethren who will be joining us online, either on Misla, on Telegram, we want to welcome everyone of us to this last edition of Marriage Forum for the year 2024. Honestly, it had been a very, very, very long journey from January through February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, and here we are in December. Honestly, we cannot but thank the Lord. We cannot but give Him glory and praise. We cannot but give Him adoration for how He has helped us through the year starting from January till date. And we have gone through several topics for the year 2024. For people who will just be joining us for the very first time today on Marriage Forum, Marriage Forum comes up every second Saturday of the month. And we have been able to traverse 11 topics already for the year 2024. Today, December, we are taking the last episode of Marriage Forum for the year 2024. And by the time we will be having Marriage Forum again, it will be the year 2025. We trust the Lord to preserve our lives, to keep us, having brought us this far to December of 2024. We trust in Him and we believe in Him that He will take us through and carry us into 2025. And in such a way that 2025 will be much more fruitful, much more benefitting, much more glorious than the year 2024 in the name of Jesus Christ. Just for the sake of emphasis, so that in case you have not been with us throughout the year, I want to run through a list of some of the things that we have done under Marriage Forum through the year. You can get all of these on our website, familytentsministry.org. You can also have them on our Misla page if you want to check them on Misla. You can get them there. It has been honestly it has been glorious. We opened the year 2024 in January with the topic "A Deadly Mistake Among Couples." The bottom line of that deadly mistake is that couples should be careful not to run their marriage with bitter envy. It's very, very important. You must not be revengeful in your marriage. Once you are revengeful, your marriage is going to die. Do everything in life, make up your mind "I will never ever be revengeful no matter what my spouse would do or have done." I will not take an action as an action of revenge. You must make up your mind. People who are revengeful will never last in marriage. Their marriage will crumble. It's a deadly mistake among couples. Run from that mistake. If you go to our January edition, you will get a fuller understanding of this common mistake among couples. In the month of February, we began with the topic "The Tongue." And we opened up with reflection on James, and we were able to see that the tongue is actually a little fire that can consume your whole marriage. Be careful about your tongue. The Bible calls the tongue a little fire. The Bible calls it the spark of a matches. You need just one spark of a matches to burn a whole house. Be careful about your tongue. The Bible says the untamed tongue, the uncontrolled tongue, the unruly tongue is a fire. So be careful. If you don't rule your tongue, if you don't control your tongue, if you are not careful with your tongue, your tongue will be a fire in your marriage. And you know what fire does. May you not by your tongue set your marriage ablaze in the name of Jesus Christ. In the month of March, we continue with the matter of the tongue. This time we look at the tongue from [clipping sound] Be careful, don't be lousy. Don't be a woman who is lousy, who is adamant, who is shout on the husband, shouting down, talking down. Because ordinarily, when you look at the way our brains are wired, the woman have more ability of speech than men. Men speak less than women. It is the way the brain is wired by God. Be careful how you use that ability God gave you. The Bible made it clear that look, you must understand that it is better to live in the wilderness. That is it is better for a man not to marry you. That's what he's saying. Say it's better to live in the wilderness than with a clamorous woman in the house. That is a woman who is clamorous is not a marriage material. Don't be clamorous. Shout, shout, everything shout. Hey, this, that. Be careful as a woman. It will break your marriage. It will break your marriage. Then we move to the month of April. In the month of April, we look at "The Tongue 3." In the month of April, it was "The Tongue: Biblical Example of Men and Husbands." And we saw it very well. That the tongue of the man, unlike the woman who can talk and talk and talk and talk, the man may not be somebody who talk much. But a man must be careful. The tongue of a man carries so much authority. Be careful, particularly in your anger. Be careful what you say to your wife. You may say you don't mean it, but the consequences may remain. Be careful what you say to your children. You may say it's because I was angry, but you may not be able to remedize the consequences. We saw the example of Jacob. Reuben annoyed him, and he waited till he was about to die. And he said, "Reuben, as turbulent as water, you will never excel." And that became the portion of Reuben all his life until it had to take Moses begging God, "Let Reuben live and not die. Let Reuben live and not die." Let us be careful as men. Many times we annoy the Lord, the Lord don't curse us. Look at Jonah and God. Go to Nineveh, he was on his way to Tarsish. God did not curse him. God took time to mold him, to make him so that he can be able to still fulfill his purpose. Your wife may annoy you, your children may annoy you, be careful with your tongue. Be careful, your tongue carries so much authority. You may say "I don't mean it," but you might have done what you may not be able to reverse, or what you may need a lot of prayer and deliverance to reverse. Let us be careful as men. Let us be careful. That was our focus in the month of April. And in the month of May, it was the last topic on the tongue. We said "The Tongue: Concluding Remarks." And in that concluding remark, what we brought to the fore was that it is very, very, very important for us to know that the tongue as small as it is, the Bible says life and death is in the power of the tongue. Depending on how you use it, your marriage can live or your marriage can die. Life and death, they are in the power of the tongue. Please, I beg you, wherever you are listening to me, are you married? Or you are not married, you are looking towards marriage, you are praying towards marriage, you are trusting God that one day you will marry, you are believing God for marriage one day, then be careful. Life and death, they are in the power of the tongue. Many marriages have died because of the way the tongue was used. And many marriages, they have journeyed through 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, and they are still counting while some within five years, some within six months: "Oh, I regretted the day I met you. You are the devil in my life. You are this." Just within six months, within one year, just because of the way the tongue was used. Always remember, life and death, they are in the power of the tongue. The fullness of that message, go to our May edition, you will see the fullness of that message there. Go and listen to it. It's very, very important. I just made just a recap before we conclude today with the topic we have for today. But it will be good to have a recap, just to make you see what we have done. You can go back and look at these things, they are very, very good for you. And then in the month of June, Marriage Forum, we looked at "That Our Prayers May Not Be Hindered." "That Our Prayers May Not Be Hindered." And our focus in that summarized something for that topic was that couples need to realize that greater things are at stake beyond the immediate issues presenting themselves to them in their relationship with each other. Sometimes be careful, the way you handle so many things, when you think that "look, I can't take it, I will take it, I can't take that." Those things you can't take or you will not take, they are just small-small things. When you don't handle them well, you might have destroyed your prayer altar. That our prayers be not hindered. Let us see how we relate one to another so that we don't hinder our prayers. Some people from family from marriages are running from pillar to post, pillar to post, pillar to post, looking for one prophet, looking for one man of God, whereas they are the one that close heaven over themselves. Peter warned us about this. He said let us live with one another, let us submit to one another so that our prayers may not be hindered. Couples, be careful. Don't be the one that will close heaven against your marriage. That was the focus of our discussion in June. You will do good to go and look through that topic so that you can learn so much from it. I believe it's going to go a long way. And in the month of July, we looked at "This Is A Great Mystery." It's a great mystery. That is the word of the Lord in Ephesians chapter 5. He said "this is a great mystery, but I'm speaking concerning Christ and the church." And we noted in that our discussion that couples have to be careful. Indeed, marriage is a great mystery. Yet it is not a mysterious institution. What we meant in that topic was that look, there are principles that governs marriage. There are principles that govern marriage. The principles, they are not logical. Because the ways of God, they are not logical. If you want to run your marriage with common sense knowledge, you will destroy your marriage. You just need to believe God. What He said about your role as a husband, your role as a wife. Just believe God for what He said and key to what God said then your marriage will work. But if you want to begin to use common sense "Eh no, even though the word of God says this, me I'm not a fool, me I'm not that," you will kill your marriage. It's a great mystery. Marriage emanated from God. And except we listen to God, we will kill our marriage. The best way to use any product is to listen to the manufacturer. If you take any product, the manufacturer says "don't do this, don't do this," and you say "no, I don't feel that way, I bought it with my money. Ah, why should you be telling me how to use it?" Don't worry, it's a matter of time. If that thing don't kill you, you would have destroyed it. So be very, very careful. Be very, very careful. There are traffic rules for automobile. Don't overtake at the corner. Horn before overtaking. If you say "me, I don't feel like that, I will overtake at every corner," just go and prepare your burial ground because you will not last. That's the situation with marriage. If you are entering into marriage with "look, I have I know what I'm doing" and not "I will do what God says," you will kill your marriage. Let us be very, very careful. Marriage is a great mystery. That was our discussion in the month of July. You will do good to go and listen to the fullness of that message on our website. It will I'm very, very sure it will be a great blessing to you. And then in the month of August, we looked at "Nevertheless: A Reflection for Couples." The Bible says "Nevertheless, let every one of you so love his wife as his own body, and let the wife see to it that they respect, they revere, they reverence, they submit to their husband." Why did the Bible say nevertheless? Why did the Bible say nevertheless? There is a nevertheless for every marriage. Please do yourself good to go and listen to that message. And see that for every marriage, there is a nevertheless. Please don't ruin your marriage, there is a nevertheless. Happy marriages are not made up of perfect people. No. When you see a very happy marriage and you are seeing them "wow, there is so much love in this family," don't think the people are perfect. No. It was because they decided to accept one another. They decided to keep forgiving one another. They decided that no, we are going to go together no matter your weaknesses, we are going to go together. That was what they decided. For every marriage, there is a nevertheless. Don't ruin your marriage because of your impatience. Please go and listen to that message. It's an eye-opener. It's an eye-opener for every couple. That was our edition in the month of August. And in the month of September, it was we started the topic on "Forgiveness: A Reflection on Forgiveness in Marriage." We took forgiveness in September, we took forgiveness in October. We looked at forgiveness in September from the standpoint of the offended. Are you the offended person in a matter? What is the correct attitude to forgiveness? In the month of October, we look at forgiveness but this time from the point of the offender. So for September, are you the offended? What is the right attitude to forgiveness in marriage? In October, are you the offender? What is the correct attitude that an offender should have when it comes to forgiveness in marriage? That was what we looked at. We explored it on and on and on and we learned so many lessons from that topic. If you have not been around with us, please go and listen to that topic, "Forgiveness" from the point of the offender and from the point of the offended. And in the month of November, we looked at another very, very important topic again, which is "Adding Value to Your Relationship." And we saw that it is very, very important for you to know that your relationship you will never value your relationship until you add value to it. You are the one to add value to your marriage. Stop envying other people's marriage. Go and add value to your own. If you add value to it, you will cherish it. If you are there looking at somebody's wife and husband, "Hey this, oh, you see if you go to that their home, it's so wonderful, it's so this. This my own home, I just don't understand. I have a wicked husband, I have a foolish wife." You will die there. Go back and add value to your own so that you can enjoy your own too. That was our focus in the month of November. So brethren who may just be coming in online, or who are just coming in with us physically, that was all we done throughout 2024. I've been able to give you a rundown. So you can go and look at any of these topics, just go to our website, www.familytentsministry.org, listen to them and have a blessed time in listening to those topics. We believe that if you listen to them, your marriage will not be the same. So we are concluding today in the month of December. And we are welcoming ourselves to the end of the year. We are saying we thank God for His mercies. We thank God we have come a long way together this year. And we believe that God will carry our marriages further and further and further to 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, to as long as the Lord want to carry us to old age, to grey hair, to full maturity, the Lord will carry us. That's our prayers, that's our believe. So today for the month of December, we want to look at another very, very important topic again today to round up the year. We may not be able to conclude everything about this topic. It's a very, very, very big topic. It's a very, very big topic. I know we may not be able to conclude it. But I just want to make us to start it. I want to make us to start it. It is something that has bothered my mind for quite a while and I've noted it down severally. And the more I meditate on it, the more I see that God must help us to get it right. In our relationship, particularly in our marriages. You see I keep talking about marriages, marriages, marriages. I hardly mentioned family. And it's deliberate. Many times people confuse marriage for family. Marriage and family they are not the same thing. The focus of this ministry is actually marriages. And then in the by spillover to family. The reality is that once the marriage is sound, the family will be healthy. The family is just the addition of the children. But the real problem in any family is when the marriage is not sound. Once father and mother get it right, oh, it is almost definitely certain that the children will get it right. The children they will get it right. But once the parents don't get it right, they will become bad examples for the children. They'll begin to set a pace for the children. They'll begin to set model for the children. I can remember somebody who had spent almost 15 or yes, as at then she had spent over a decade in her marriage. And yet was still saying that "I never saw my father do that to my mother, so what's the essence of that?" And I said "your father marriage is not your own marriage. But I wish the father did it to the mother. It would have given that young boy when he was growing up a better understanding of marriage." So please, it is once the marriage is healthy, you can be sure that the family will be healthy. And then you can be sure that our churches too can be healthy. No church can rise above the spiritual level of the families that gather in that church. Once the families are healthy, you can be sure that our churches will be healthy. Our churches are not healthy today because the families are not healthy. Families are not healthy because marriages are not healthy. Marriages are not healthy because individuals are not living correctly. It's just a follow up like that. It's a follow up like that. So, we are looking at a very, very important topic, "Basis for Understanding Our Spouses." "Basis for Understanding Our Spouses." And incidentally, immediately after this meeting, we'll be making arrangement to be with another with a church. Myself and my wife, we'll be handling something just in line with this thing that we are talking about. So, it's so interesting for us to see that partly what we are using to close for the year is partly what a church is looking at. Their concern is how to make the family healthy. And they said "Healthy Marriage, Healthy Family." How can we make the marriage and the family healthy? So and one important way to build a healthy home, to build a home where there is no rancor, to build a home where there is no strife, to build a home where things are harmonious, not because the people are perfect, but yet their relationship is an harmonious one, is ability to build understanding. Understanding. Many of the problem we have in our marriages is not because your spouse is a bad person. It's because you people are not building understanding. You know sometimes you just wonder, you wonder, you will see some women, and also some men, in their network of relationship with people, they will be so nice, they will be so in fact people will speak so well of them. Yet their marriages are not working. Then by the time you now hear them say that by the time you now meet the wife, they say "ah don't mind him, oloriburuku e, this and that." Or you meet the husband, "don't mind the idiot." Then you begin to wonder "ah, but this woman, is this woman really bad? Ah, is this man really bad? As bad as this woman is talking about him?" I don't know whether you have experienced such things before. If you have experienced it before, you'll be wondering that "ah, but this person we have worked together for years, I don't really think this person is as bad at least some of these things should have shown in our relationship. I've not really seen this person this bad." So you begin to see that it was because the person when it comes to marriage, the person did not set a basis for understanding the spouse. You don't set basis. Because many times you will hear "one thing I don't like is my wife don't understand me." Then by the time the wife want to talk, "Sir, you see if there is one thing I hate about my husband, it's that he does not seems to understand me." Then I begin to wonder. And then by the time you listen to the two of them, you will just realize that it is because the basis for understanding is not there. And that's what I want to begin from. Actually we are beginning with it this December. By the time we come into 2025, depending on how the Lord will be leading us. The Lord has been speaking to us on several things already. We don't know exactly how 2025 will be coming up for Marriage Forum and for Singles' Club and for discipleship classes. The Lord has been saying so many things and we are just noting them down. But I'm just thinking that perhaps in it might be that the Lord will want us to build further on this matter in the month of January and then we build further. And if it's just this basis that the Lord will want make you to see and for you to run with, I pray may you see it and run with it. May we be able to build understanding in our marriages. I will always tell people, there is no perfect man or perfect woman anywhere. What you need to do is to understand your spouse. Understand the person you married. Don't do some very foolish thing. You want the person to understand you. And that's where I want to begin from. Please don't seek to be understood. You seek to understand your spouse. That's one deadly mistake, common mistake that couples make. When you enter when you are and for those of you who are not yet married, that are looking forward, our mature singles that normally join the program, please I'm begging you, when you are looking towards marriage, don't be looking towards "God give me a wife that will understand me" or "give me a husband that will understand me." It is "God help me to understand the wife I married." Or "God help me to understand the husband I married." You see, once you set a pace of self-centeredness in marriage, you will never understand your spouse. That's the first mistake you must run away from. You must never ever and I'm telling you if you have made that mistake I'm begging you. I'm begging you. It is I'm sure that is one thing that has become why your marriage is not working. Please use a reverse gear. Use a reverse gear. You should not wait to be understood. That is not the way of the Lord. That's not the way of the Lord. The way of the Lord is the way of service. What did I say? The way of the Lord is the way of service. Look at the Lord Jesus. He said "I did not come to be served." Do you see it? "But to serve and to give myself a ransom for many." You see people who seek to be served, they are godless people. That may be very harsh but that is the truth. It may sound harsh in your ear but that is the truth. People who seek to be served, they people who who are like that. I want to tell you you don't have the Spirit of Christ. That may also sound very harsh but that is the truth. When the Spirit of Christ begin to have dominance over your spirit. Because let me tell you, the Holy Ghost is not just to reside in you, it's to preside in you. The Holy Spirit, I repeat that, is not just to reside inside you. The Holy Spirit is to preside over you. When you see men who seek to be served, when you see people who wait to be served, the Holy Spirit may be residing in them but it's not presiding over them. That's what I'm talking about the Spirit of Christ. When the Spirit of Christ becomes your spirit, when the Spirit of Christ become the control center in your life, you will discover you will not seek to be served. You will always seek to serve. And when I'm talking about seeking to serve, I'm talking about understanding. You are not waiting for your spouse to understand you. Rather you are putting every effort, you are prayerfully considering, you are asking God for insight, you are believing God for understanding, you are believing God, "God God help me. What is it I need to understand about this woman? Or about this man? Lord what am I not understanding? Lord open my eyes. Give me the password to my wife. I need to understand the wife I married. I need to understand the husband. Lord how do I how do I what are the way to go? This type of man that has this kind of personality, this type of woman that has this kind of background, this type of woman that has this kind of understanding, this type of person, Lord what is the best way to enter into them? Lord teach me, Lord open my eyes." That is the spirit of service. But if you are somebody who sits and I'm talking about basis for understanding your spouse. The spirit of service. The spirit of service. I'm going to address just two or three things about attitude. You see the whole thing rests and fall on attitude. The whole thing about understanding, it rises and it falls on attitude. You see attitude are like the hinges in the door of your marriage. You know the hinges of a door? How vital are they? Tell me the two primary functions of hinges in any door. Number one is that the hinges as small as they are, look at their size to the door. They are so small. But without the hinges, nothing will connect the door to the frame. The door is so big, they are so wide. But without the hinges, nothing will connect the door to the frame. The door will fall off. For many people, the door of their marriages have fell off. They have made it open, open to anything, you know, the frame is there, the door is just on the ground. Doors are not meant to be on the ground. They are meant to open and close. They are meant to be attached to the frame. But what attach them to the frame are little-little things. Are you seeing it? Little-little things. Not the big-big things, little-little things. I'm talking about the hinges, little-little hinges. I'm talking about the hinges of attitude. That everything rise and fall on attitude. And I'm showing you that I'm going to show you some dimensions in attitude. The first evil in your attitude is the attitude of to be served instead of to serve. If you're a woman or a man that have that spirit, you will never understand your spouse. You will never. It'll always be "ah don't mind him, he's a stupid person, he doesn't want to understand me, you see, I know I know people who value me, I know them." Ode. Fool. Don't you understand that if you have every other thing except a home, you really don't have anything? After everything you do in life, where do you go back to? I'm asking you a question. After everything you do in life, where do you go back to? Is it not home? After you have worked and worked and worked and worked, where do you go back to? You go home. After you have played and played and played, where do you go back to? You go back home. So a man who don't have a home to go back to, what do you call such a person? That's why I said don't be foolish. Build a very powerful career and you don't have a home. Build anything, you see home is a very, very significant thing. That's why personally I tell people, a woman or a man, they are not stronger than the home they build. If you want to know how strong or weak an individual is, go and check their home. Nobody is stronger than the home they build. The strength of your life is the strength of your home. Because let me tell you, the strength of any chain is the weakest point of the chain. Are you understanding me at all? Now when you take a chain, the real strength of the chain is the weakest point of the chain. It is at that point where you it is the weakest point of the chain that is the strength of the chain, not the strongest point. You must get that right. When you take any circle, put your life in a circle. The weakest point of the circle is your actual strength. That is the place where you can be broken, you can be scattered, you can be shattered. So I'm talking about something hinges. If you look at hinges again, I'm giving you how vital attitude, these three attitude these basics. The topic is "The Basis for Understanding Your Spouse." And I'm showing that these things they are attitudinal things. They are attitudinal things, they are in the attitude. Now you looked at and I'm using hinges as a good example. Number one, it holds a door to the frame, isn't it? What's the second what's the second function of hinges? Because there are two primary functions of hinges. The door swings on the hinges. It swings on the hinges. It holds the hinges to the frame. It holds the door to the frame and it's also swings on the hinges. Do you get that? If you want to close it, you need the hinges. If you want to open it, you need the hinges. Once the hinges are not there, the door will either be permanently locked because if you attach it permanently, then you cannot open it. Or it should be on the floor permanently down. It's either permanently down or permanently attached that you cannot open. Those are the function of hinges. So as wide as the door of our lives are, the door of finance, the door of this, the door of that, the door of this, the door of breakthrough, the door of career, all those door "God open door for me, open door for me, open door" all those doors you are talking about. What is making them to open and close? The hinges I'm talking about attitude. It's so vital. So, basis of understanding your spouse. The first one you must make up your mind is I must not choose to be served. I must serve. The second one I'm showing you where we are closing the meeting today is you must understand that by your strength shall no man prevail. You cannot prevail over people by your strength. You cannot make people understand something by your strength. You don't have what it takes to make anybody understand something. Have that attitude in you. Don't say "because I've said it and I've said it, I'm mad, I'm crazy," no. Take it out of your life. Begin to ask God for people, begin to beg God for people, begin to look have the correct attitude. Jesus said "Peter I have prayed for you, that your faith will not fail." Have a correct attitude towards your spouse. I want to invite our mummy to close this meeting for us, our sister Professor Mrs. Fadare. Please come and close the meeting for us. But plus one minute, technicals, technicals is there any question? Any question? Okay, please ma you can close. [Speaker 2] Our Father and our God, we appreciate You. We thank You, Lord, for the last meeting for the year. We appreciate You for the past 12 months You have been helping us in the family forum. We appreciate You, we honor Your name. We say to You be the glory in Jesus' name. Thank You for what You have learned today again. We return all glory unto Your name. Be Thou exalted in Jesus' name. Lord we commit ourselves unto Your hand. We pray, O Lord, that You will give unto us the inspiration to understand our spouses in the name of Jesus. Help us, O Lord, to understand our spouses in the name of Jesus. Help us, O Lord, to understand our spouse better in the name of Jesus. Father, we pray that You will continue to uphold this ministry in Jesus' name. We pray for for Dr. Olusanya and his wife. We pray that You continue to uphold them in the name of Jesus. We pray that You continue to uphold this ministry. We pray that You continue to enlarge this ministry in Jesus' name. If Jesus tarries we pray that next year You will be with us again in Jesus' name. In Jesus' mighty name we have prayed. Amen. [Speaker 1] And may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us now and forever more. Amen. Tents Ministry, a Christian ministry involved in enriching the lives of singles and married through preaching and teaching of God's word, discipleship, family life enrichment, social and community development, and mission aid. Our regular activities are: discipleship class every Monday 5:00 PM; adolescents and singles club every first Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; marriage forum second Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; family life seminars, regular school outreaches and everyday counseling. For further counseling, you can reach us at our location: Life Camp by the first bridge, Ilere community, opposite Rejoice filling station along Idere road, Akure, Ondo state, Nigeria. You can also reach us through our social media handle: familytent@yahoo.co.uk, familytentministry01@gmail.com, www.familytentsministry.org. Our phone numbers are: 080-3386-1136, 070-3361-3848. God bless you all.