Scriptural Position on Sexual Relation in Marriage

[Speaker 2] Churches and fellowships cannot be more spiritual than the individuals and families that constitute them. God greatly desires a godly home for you. These are words of restoration and instruction in righteousness from Family Tent Ministry. May you be blessed as you listen. [Speaker 1] We saw very importantly that every act of sexual intercourse is actually an act of marriage. It is an act of marriage everywhere. When the Bible talks about "and the two shall become one flesh," the truth is that becoming one is actually the act of sexual intercourse. So, we saw that it is so crucial for those of us who are single to understand why God said in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." We saw that God has diverse ways of doing this judgment. The reason why God punishes premarital sex and extramarital sex is because every act of premarital sex is a violation of something God ordained. God has ordained that marriage should be a life covenant. That was why God made sure that at the entrance of the female vagina, you have the hymen. The hymen does not have any other purpose other than that it is a blood tissue. For anybody to have access to any virgin, then the person needs to break the hymen. What comes out is blood, and the life of the animal is in the blood. So the intention of God is that every marriage act should be a life covenant. Everybody that has premarital sex is working contrary to that ordination of God. In extramarital sex, the person is breaking a covenant because the actual covenant in marriage was established by sexual intercourse. We must be sexually responsible. To be sexually responsible as singles is to live pure lives. We must do everything to live pure lives as singles. If you are not living a pure life as a single, if you are not doing everything to maintain chastity as whether a male or a female, then you are not a responsible person. You are very irresponsible. To be responsible is to understand what God did and to work within the context of what God did. For the married, to be responsible is to understand that that act of sex, that sexual intercourse you had with your wife actually brought the two of you to become one. So you are physically one. The understanding of that makes you understand that anytime you have sex with somebody else, you are joining the body you have joined to your wife to a harlot. You cannot do that again. That is being responsible. To be a responsible person as a married person is to understand that sexual satisfaction should be only fulfilled in your wife. That is to be responsible. Understand that every act of sex with somebody brings a generational pollution. That is for both the single and the married. I made a statement last month; I said when you had sex with somebody as a single person, you think everybody goes their way, but everybody doesn't go their way. An essential part of the person you slept with is with you. An essential part of you goes with that person. By the time you come to the junction of marriage later, you are no more single, so to speak. You are singly married by that act of intercourse that you had. That is why we said that by the time most people get to the junction of marriage, they have a lot of problems because it is not two that is being joined together. Sometimes it is 12, even though you are seeing two physical people. In the actual sense of it, the man has slept with several ladies, the lady has slept with several men. So what you are coupling together is not just two; you are joining about eight or nine persons together. It is not really a monogamous marriage. I don't know what to describe that marriage; it is octogamous or decagamous. I don't know how we are going to describe that kind of marriage. That is why marital stability today has a lot of problems because people are not coming into marriage as really, really single. We must watch that. Make sure that when you are coming into marriage, you are coming as really single. When you come as really single, maintain your marital vow. Those were some of the things, just to recap for some of the things we said last month. For this month, we have sent out our focus, what will be the burden of today’s meeting. I believe we that are here, our brethren who are joining us online, who are joining us on Telegram, who are joining us on Mixlr, I believe you are so much with us following us on the post we sent out yesterday. Today we want to look at, moving on on that topic, Sexual Responsibility in Marriage. The burden for today’s meeting is Scriptural Position on Sexual Relationship in Marriage. It is good for those of us who are not yet married to get these things clear, to know what is the position. As I was discussing with the chairman, Board of Trustees, yesterday, we were around in this vicinity and we were talking. He made a statement. He said it is becoming so pathetic that many young people who enter into marriage don't even know what marriage is about. When they enter, they don't even understand what is the implication of what they were putting on. It is just like the case, I don't know whether you followed this story on social media, the army officer who went romantic with a youth corper. It was in the camp. The army officer got romantic and was accepting rings from the corper even while in the uniform. Of course, she had to be disciplined. The force had to pick her up on that matter. What they were trying to say in picking her up was that there is nothing wrong with having a love affair. That's not the problem. The problem is it should not be—there is a difference between your private life and your official life. They are two different things. They are not the same thing. You should have understood the implication of what she was putting on. That is the situation today. For many people, they enter into marriage and they don't understand the implication. I want to begin with this very funny story because we are looking at the scriptural position about sexual relations in marriage. A couple got married and the husband got amorous and decided to pull the wife to himself. When he pulled the wife to himself, the wife reacted with a reaction that shows, "Don't defile me." She gives an impression as if she does not understand that before you marry, it is defilement, but after you marry, there is nothing like defilement. In another incident, we were speaking with a couple and the husband said one major reason why he cannot share the same room with the wife is because he has this clear understanding that if his body touches his wife's body, it reduces the anointing. I was asking him how, and then he went to when God wanted to visit the Israelites on Mount Sinai. He told them that they should stay away from their wives for three days before they appear. So it means that if we stay with our wives, we cannot appear before God. This person that I'm talking about is a founder of a ministry, in fact he is a reverend. He was trying to make a point clear that that is—it was in an open meeting, one of our open meetings. He said that in the open meeting. We now had to correct that, "No bro, with your wife, there is nothing that stops you from accessing God." In another occasion, a couple in the meeting asked that in a situation where couples are having sexual intercourse and then the last trumpet blows, will they go with Jesus or they will not go with Jesus? What is that telling you? It means they have an understanding that even in marriage, if you are having sex with your husband, you are defiled. Jesus cannot take you away; you are a defiled person. You can understand where that question is coming from. That's why it is becoming very crucial to look at some very basic things about scriptural position about sexual relations in marriage. There are some funny beliefs today among believers. The purpose of this morning's forum is to try to correct some of these funny beliefs and try to look at it vis-à-vis the Bible. As I mentioned last month, I said today we'll be looking at 1 Corinthians chapter 7. That will be our major text for today. [Speaker 3] 1 Corinthians 7:1-2: Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. [Speaker 1] One thing that we are seeing here is that the Bible opens by making us to see that one major provision of God in marriage is that marriage should be a provision against sexual sin. I don't want to say "cure" to sexual sin because if I use the word cure, we'll be saying that once people get married, they don't face sexual temptation. No, they still face it because you remember David. David was married, very married. In fact, not even with one. Under that their own understanding, which some people are still pushing forth today, David had many wives. God is not against having many wives. Men whose understanding are darkened are not having a clear understanding of the matter. But you still notice that there was a sexual sin and he slept with Bathsheba. Whereas if you look at Joseph, Joseph was not yet married. He was a young person. Potiphar's wife—David just saw her once and he was the one looking and looking. You can stop yourself from seeing, but you can stop yourself from looking. I hope you get the difference. So many things are happening around us today, particularly with the high rate of indecent dressing in the society today. Indecency both in male and female. It's not that we speak more about female indecency than about male indecency because of the biological difference. For the male, the libido is connected to sight. Once a man sees a woman's erogenous part, something triggers in the man. He needs to bring himself under control. But a woman's sight doesn't do anything for the woman. It is touch and then words. That's why they seem to condemn more femininity about indecency. Because of so much indecency today, you cannot stop yourself from seeing so many things today. Sometimes you are even inside church and you cannot even escape the scene. I have occasion where you're standing by the side, "Sister, Hallelujah," because she was wearing sleeveless. All the bra, the breast, everything—you cannot stop. You are laughing; that's the reality we are having today. It is very unfortunate that it is like that. Sometimes too because the men sag and their boxers are outside. Then the women tear their own skirt up. They will say the skirt should get to the knee. We agree. But then they now tear again the back up. Are you not above the knee already? We agreed to the knee, but by the time we are looking at you from the back, we are seeing all the thing above the knee. And then you say, "But my skirt got to the knee." But sorry, at the back, it is above the knee. I said if you must tear it up, then let it go below the knee so that the tear will get to the knee. We know it's for the purpose of walking. We understand that. But if you must take it above the knee—I mean the split—if it must go above the knee, then let the skirt be longer beyond the knee. Or else find a way of covering it with what you call an attachment to make sure that you can still work with it. But all of this today you don't find it; it's not the common thing. The common thing is to leave the whole thing and you are looking at the thigh of the woman. Normally it is the thigh of animals that you should be looking at outside. It's not for family gender, but it has become a normal thing today. That is the truth. It has become even today you find them with pants that they call shorts. They wear around in the hostel, but they will just say, "I want to go and buy this, buy that." So you find a lot of—you cannot stop yourself from seeing today, but you can stop yourself from looking, which is the most important thing. What I'm trying to say about Potiphar's wife was—David saw and he fell. But for Joseph, it was not that Potiphar's wife saw him. The woman was, "You will not go escape." When a woman says you will not escape, Potiphar's wife was daily bombarding Joseph. Bombarding and bombarding and bombarding. And when the bombardment did not work, she had to change her strategy to "I must colonize." Joseph still did not fall for that. I'm trying to make something clear: we are not saying that marriage is a cure. It's a provision of God against it. That's what I'm trying to say. Discipline is something all of us must have whether married or not married. From what we are seeing in the Bible, we can see that one provision of God in marriage is that sexual relationship between the husband and the wife should be a provision against immorality. God made it a provision against immorality. Sexual relationship in your marriage is a provision of God against sexual immorality. That is something we are seeing there very clearly. [Speaker 3] 1 Corinthians 7:3: Let the husband render to his wife the due affection, likewise also the wife to her husband. [Speaker 1] I'd like to take that in another translation. NLT: "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy." Are you seeing that? Because God made it a provision against immorality, He's now giving a command, there is an instruction. The instruction is first coming to the husband. When you become too connected to your job, or too connected to the ministry, or too connected to your computer, or too connected to your research, or too connected to your phone, at the expense of sexual intimacy, then you are not living correctly. You're not living correctly. The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy. When it says don't deprive her, I want you to look at the word in King James. What does King James use for that sexual intimacy? I think it calls it benevolence. Is that? What of NIV? NIV says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, likewise the wife to the husband." The New King James said, "Let the husband render to his wife due the affection due to her." What am I trying to make you see? That the Bible is calling sexual relations in marriage an affection. That is something many husband and wife don't see. Sexual relationship is not something that operates outside affection. Number one, I said sexual relationship is the provision of God against sexual immorality. Number two, I'm pointing your attention to the fact that the Bible says that it is important that we understand that sexual relation is actually an affection. The Bible is making us to see that sexual relationship goes beyond just sexual intercourse. There is an affection around it. There is a place of making sure that emotionally we are connected. There is the place of giving emotional support once you are emotionally connected. Sexual relationship is not the way cock and hen normally behave. You must have seen them very well. The cock just appear from nowhere with speed. And then sometimes the hen may even be nursing some small, small chicks. He will just pursue the thing in the midst of those chicks. The hen will jump, the cock will pursue. The thing will climb on pan, it will go after it. The thing will jump down, it will go after it. And then eventually pin the hen down somewhere, do what he wants to do, abandon her there, and then go this way. Then the mother hen now begin to look for her chicks again. That is not the concept of sexual relation in marriage that we are seeing in this place. The concept of sexual relationship that we are seeing in marriage is that the husband and the wife have an emotional support one for each other. It's coming from an emotional connection. It is not something—the Bible is saying that sexual relationship is something that should not make the husband and the wife, they should not be two strange fellows. They should be partners. That is why I like the NLT. It says we should not deny ourselves sexual intimacy. Intimacy is different from sexual intercourse. It's different from intercourse. Intimacy has to do with an emotional connection. Sometimes we give all of our emotions to our jobs. Sometimes we even find situation when we say we are truly busy, but we are actually guilty. Some women sometimes could be so attached to the children at the expense of the husband. You know, sometimes people don't separate marriage from family. Family is not marriage. Marriage is a relationship between the husband and the wife. Family includes the children. Some people don't understand that the children, they are just birds of passage. No matter how much you try to stay with them, one day they will tell you a man will leave father and mother. No matter how attached you are to them, very soon they will leave, like it's happening with us now in our own home. It's just the two of us. This one has gone, that one has gone, this one has gone, he's gone his way. And then we are now learning to—sometimes I would have forgotten when I get to the gate, I will still be honning, "Beep, beep, beep." Oh, there is nobody at home. My wife is in the office. I will call her from the car to come and open the gate and then drive in and then close the gate again. What am I trying to say? Some people don't understand that marriage is not family. That is why sometimes too when the children have gone on their own, you still see the mother trying to control that other marriage. Or you see the father trying to control—you are not part of that one again. Leave them alone, let them do their own. That is why sometimes you see the extended family, the father, mother of either the husband or the wife, or the in-law trying to control the other marriage. It's wrong. It's not correct. Leave them. A father is not one with his child; he's one with his wife. A mother is not one with the children. You are one with your husband, but you are not one with your children. So you must not displace your husband's love or your wife's love, your spouse's love. You must not displace them and put the children there. That is why when they are gone, you are still not attached to your husband. You are still, "What is happening in this house? Did your husband cook well for you? Did your husband treat you well?" You better stay with your own and stop disturbing them. Because you are not attached to your own, that's why you'll be busy disturbing them. If they need you, they will call you. These are issues today that people don't look into. That there must be a benevolence. We must live our life in such a way that we develop intimacy with our spouse. We must develop intimacy with them. Be intimate. Have an emotional pull, something. If you notice that between you and your wife there is no emotional connection, your marriage has problem. That's the point I'm making. As far as the scripture is concerned, your marriage has problem. There is already a problem in your marriage. There must be this emotional connection. There must be this chemistry. Remember those days that you were courting. Let me help you so that you know what I'm talking about. You remember the day you were courting before you married. You know the way you will look at sister and your body will be doing one kind. And then you have to tell yourself, "Come on, stop that foolishness." Come on, think well. Don't begin to think honestly; you are not married to the wife. Sometimes you want to have a draw; you tell yourself, "No, we are not married." You control yourself. That emotional something, that chemistry must be there in marriage. That was the thing when you were courting that will make you call her "you are the only cockroach that flies, you are the only mosquito in the air." But please don't make the person mosquito or cockroach because you may go and flit it and it will die. Look for better things to call her. Not mosquito or cockroach because everybody kill cockroaches. So look for better things to call her. But what I'm saying is that there was a time that both of you, you know this draw that exists between the two of you. Any small thing you have called, "Hello, this, you know this happened." That is what the Bible is saying. We should not deny ourselves that intimacy. Because if we deny ourselves of that intimacy, we will actually kill the act of sexual intercourse. It is people your emotion draws towards that you find this chemistry of sex going towards. That is why somebody can be in his house and he's thinking of the secretary in the office. The wife is beside him. And when it is weekend, it's really bad because he will not see the secretary. But once it is Monday, something is exciting that he's going to meet in the office. What is that excitement? What is that person you are excited about other than your wife? There must be that affection. The husband must deliberately—it is something—he says it's a duty. That's what the Bible is saying. You must understand that if you are not emotionally connected to your wife, you are not responsible in marriage. The same way for a wife. If you are not emotionally connected with your husband, it is irresponsibility. That thing must be there. So if anything is happening, how do you know? What normally kill this affection? Different things. Bitterness. Bitterness, anger, offenses, hurt, misunderstanding. A lot of things kill this intimacy. What the Bible is saying is that you must deliberately handle bitterness, offenses, hurt, pain, anger. You must be deliberate about it so that it does not displace your intimacy with your spouse. Your spouse cannot but offend you. You cannot but have issues; you are both human beings now. Yoruba people will say *Eyin ati ahon ma n ja* as close as they are. But I've not seen one day that the tongue got so annoyed and just jump out of the mouth. This teeth I will not touch you again. The teeth will not touch me. And then the teeth says, "Look, if you touch me, I will just tear you apart." No, they still touch. So the point is that if you are—one point of maturity is that those things that affect your emotion, the Bible says you must be deliberate. He said the husband must handle his affection. The same thing was happen to the wife. The wife must handle that affection to be sure that it is there. If you're not doing it, if you're not doing that, if you shift things to something else, that's what people do. "I'm busy." Anyway, let me—I'm in the office. You begin to use a lot of things to replace that affection instead of dealing with the displacement. You must not displace that affection. It is something we must understand. Any home where that affection has been displaced, has been displaced, can I tell you that your marriage is not correct? The marriage is not correct. You must deal with whatever is displacing that affection because the first thing about sexual relationship is what? Sexual intimacy. That's the first thing about it as far as human beings are concerned, except we become animals. Where the husband just come home at anytime and he just enters and says, "Hey, plan the bed." And then say, "You plan come down." And then go to kitchen. There's no relationship. No, it's not Correct. It's not something like that. That's not the picture the Bible gives us. So intimacy is a duty we must do everything to keep. It's a duty we must do everything to keep. That's the second thing we are seeing in that place. [Speaker 3] 1 Corinthians 7:4: The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. [Speaker 1] Now, one thing that interests me in this place. Please look at verse 3. In verse 3, it said, "Let the husband render to his wife the due affection, likewise also the wife to her husband." Who was instructed first here? The husband before the wife. When he moved to the next one, what did he do? "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. But the husband." I wonder when it comes to authority over the body, he first spoke to the wife before he spoke to the husband. I'm also looking at some things about femininity and masculinity. And then before he now told the husband that "And likewise, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body but the wife." What is this place trying to make us see? It's trying to make us see a very, very, very vital thing again about sexual relations in marriage. That when it comes to the matter of the physical body, that body, when you enter into marriage, you lose authority over your body. You lose authority over it. People don't realize that, and this is one of the things that is affecting sexual relation. You don't have authority again over your body. Now, what is it trying to make you see? The Bible is making us to see in this place that submission of the body is a mutual thing. The wife submit the body to the husband, and the husband submit his body to the wife. None of them again when you enter into marriage should have this mentality of "it's my body, I'll do with it what I want." There is nothing like that. These are mentalities that are not correct. They are not correct. The authority over the body belongs to the spouse. You can't do anything with your body. It is at the other person's disposal. That's what it means. When your wife says, "Dear, no, you can't wear this cloth. This cloth is not good for you. No, no, don't wear this one out. It's not befitting for this body." You can't say no. He has authority over the body. The husband can tell the wife, "No, you can't wear this dress out. I don't like the way this one fits." He has authority over the body. You can't tell the husband that "Look, it's my life." Who told you that after you married? Those are stupid mentalities. You want to be single? Please be single so that you don't have problem and enjoy your singleness till you die. There is nothing wrong about it as long as you can maintain it. There is nothing wrong about being single. I hope we know that. I hope we know that. "Me, I can't give authority of my body to somebody. I can't expect—look, if somebody offend me, look, if he does not put three cows I cannot forgive." Then stay single. And you will enjoy your life and your ministry so marry your purpose, go on and then continue and then when you get to heaven you also give account of what you have done. So there is no problem about that. But you know the problem is that when your mates are getting married, you begin to say "Father, father, remember me, don't forget me." And then you begin to compare, you begin to look and yet you don't want the responsibility. That is foolishness. That is foolishness. If you are looking forward to marriage, and that is why I tell people gathering for this meeting is not just for married people. I want the unmarried too to gather. Let's discuss these things because there is so much problem today in marriage. People just behave anyhow and you'll be wondering if they understand marriage before they enter. Did anybody force you into marriage? Did God say that everybody that does not marry will not enter heaven? So who is forcing you into marriage? Nobody is forcing you. But if you want to do it, you follow the rules. Marriage is something that came out from God and God made it very clear on what it means to be responsible in marriage. If you don't want to stay by this kind, then don't go into it. It's not compulsory. And that is why it is so important today under that dimension that what brings some of these things that we are discussing. If you look at Titus, it says older men should teach younger women, teach younger men. Older women should teach younger women how to love their husband. You see, marriage involves some element of submitting to people to teach you what to do. Submit to people who have successful marriages. Let them tell you what marriage is about before you go into it. Whether you have first class in this and there you are the best prize winner, you have this or that, you have best—you run ministry successfully, doesn't mean that you may be successful in marriage. You see people today, they are successful in every area of their life, but their marriage is in shambles. Academically they are successful, career-wise they are successful, but their home is in shambles because they think that they can bring all those principles in those ones to run marriage. I was discussing with one young man one day and I told him something. I said, "Do you know why marriage is different?" I said, "Let me use computer software to explain some things to you about marriage." Every other thing we do in life apart from marriage is just like a computer that has an operating system. You know what I mean by the operating system? Now that operating system can operate several apps. Is that not? Every other thing you are doing in life apart from marriage, they are just apps you are adding to the operating system. Nothing changes. You are just adding apps. You are adding career, you are adding this, you are adding that. Your operating system will keep operating it. But marriage is not another app in the computer. Marriage is also an operating system. The husband, the wife, it is another operating system. It is not an app to be operated. No. It comes in to be part of the operating system to operate all the apps. It is no more A. It becomes AB to begin to operate all the apps. It is no more A. It becomes AB. And if you have B before and then Z came, it becomes the operating system BZ. That is the operating system. But if you want to treat marriage, your spouse, as an app, I want to beg you, please don't bring her in or don't bring him in. That system will now have problem. Have you ever seen a computer having two operating systems? What will happen to the computer? It cannot operate again and that is what happens to many life. Instead of matching and becoming an operating system, you have mind of operating inside the thing. This one will say, "Open Windows." No, Microsoft Word, that's what we want now. No, no, no, let's use Adobe. No, we are going online. And then what happens? Please what happens? So you are supposed to merge and become one operating system. Thinking together, reasoning together, planning together, seeing together. Everything no longer two, but one. And you cannot subject your husband or the wife to an app. It's not possible. You can't operate her. And you can't operate him. That's the reality in marriage. And that is what we are seeing. You submit the authority of that body. What was controlling it before? You are the one controlling before. You think about what you want to wear, what you want to do, what you want to do with your body. What did they say now? Submit the authority to who? To your spouse. So who thinks about the body? Who decides for the body? Who tells where the body is going? So you need to begin to understand the kind of authority that your spouse have over your body. If you don't have this kind of mentality, we will not be sexually responsible. Intimacy, understanding the place of who owns the body. Your spouse. So it now came to verse 5. [Speaker 3] 1 Corinthians 7:5: Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. [Speaker 1] Let me see if I can quickly get the Amplified Bible here. Amplified says, "Do not refuse and deprive and defraud." I want you to look at those words. "Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other of due marital rights." I will explain those three things; it comes in different ways. I like the way it puts it. "Except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourself unhindered to prayer. But afterward, resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you to sin through your lack of restraint of sexual desire." Now we are seeing something very crucial. It says, "Do not refuse." To refuse is to say no. To deprive is not to say no but it goes beyond the level of refusing. It's talking about the other person. The other person needs it and you are not available. You are not saying no, but you are not available. Do you get what I'm trying to bring out? You can become so busy that you are not available. You are not saying no, but you are not into it. I give you an example in some homes. You will see where a spouse will say either my husband or my wife, "Me, I will have been on bed by 9 o'clock." My husband will not come. Sometimes during my wife will not come. We will be busy. My wife will be busy pressing phone. She will press phone till maybe it's about 11 o'clock, 12, when I'm tired and I've slept off. Otherwise I've been waiting for her to come, saying she's coming, she's coming, she did not come. It could be the husband that "I was available since 9 PM and I have been waiting." He will first turn on his computer doing one, said he want to compute one office job. By the time he now finished by 1, when I'm already snoring, he will now be coming. When I'm no more interested in the thing again, that's when he's coming. So he's not saying no, but the other person is being deprived. I hope you are getting what the Bible is trying to say. So sometimes you may not—it's not as if we are saying no, but we must—that is why I tell people one thing you must beg God for in entering into marriage is emotional intelligence. You must be emotionally sensitive to your spouse. Marriage is hard work. Marriage is not just dancing on the wedding day. It's not all of those things. Marriage is not putting in your CV "Married." It's hard work. You bend down to work. If you don't understand that, your marriage will scatter. And when it scatters, it will affect every other thing that you are putting together. So it's good to understand. You see, one thing I have noticed today is that we don't follow the wisdom of Jesus. Jesus said, "Who want to build a house and will not first count the cost, whether he'll be able to finish it? Or else when he starts building and he cannot finish it, what now happens? Neighbors and friends begin to laugh at him." Some people that they are making mockery of today, they would have lived a better life if they did not marry. They did not count the cost. And that is why I tell people, when you are thinking of marriage, meet people who are successful in marriage. Ask questions. Go for training. Learn. Gather understanding. Honestly, it's important. The Bible says so. Older women, please teach younger women. And I challenge older couples, please gather younger couples around you. Look for them, befriend them. The wife teaches wives how to love their husband, how to love their children, how to be keepers at home. It's not just about speaking English. It is beyond that. It is beyond being a first class in computer. Beyond that you are a medical doctor. Beyond that you are an engineer. Beyond all those things. It is first self-denial. Marriage is first self-denial. You first forget yourself and your own interest. That is what we need to teach ourselves today. If you want to marry, you know what you are saying? "I want to deny myself to make another person's life better." That's what you are saying. What I tell people in pre-marital counseling, "Are you ready to marry? Do you know what you are saying? Number one, you are saying that 'I'm not concerned about my life again as long as this person's life is okay.'" I tell somebody like that, "I haven't even started." What I told somebody that came for counseling, I said, "Look, let me first tell you something. Do you know—" The young lady said, "Ah." I said, "I haven't even started. You don't understand what you want to enter into. What you are saying is that 'I don't mind what my life becomes as long as this person's life is okay.'" And she said, "Ah." But that's it. That's how you must enter into it. So you don't deprive. You don't refuse. Refuse is when you say no. Deprive is non-availability. You marry a woman and you are spending three months in Lagos pursuing money. You should not have married that woman in the first place. You are not saying no, but what can you do? You are depriving. If you cannot—that's why they call the food of our birds, poultry, what do we call them? Feed. You want to feed them, then they are free. But you can't put them inside cage and say you are not available to put water and food there. Then you are a mad person. You're a foolish person. You're a wicked person. You can't take a woman and bring her home, or you say you marry a husband, and then you are somewhere three months, you say, "No, you know, I'm doing work." Then you should have been doing the work alone and not married. There is no need to deprive. Because it's a major problem today. You see some husbands in Lagos, some wives in Abuja and then say, "Actually I didn't know how it happened. I was having extra-marital affair with one." Why wouldn't it happen when you are disobeying the laws of God? We cannot but err if we refuse the counsel of God. So if you are talking about marriage, if you are thinking of going into it, count the cost. What I am also saying is that I will not deprive this person. It's not only refusal. I told somebody who had an opportunity to do something outside the country, but I told myself no, not at this time of my life. Not because I could not have done for that thing, but you see, marriage is a covenant you keep. And I tell people, understand, he who breaks, he or she, anyone who breaks the covenant of marriage will be broken by that covenant. We should be careful. We should know what marriage is about and we should know what we are doing. We should be responsible people when it comes to sexual issues. So many irresponsible lives today. And that is why there is so much problem. Sexual sin is so common today. Sexual sin, sexual sin, sexual sin. Office romance, lecturer sleeping with student, director sleeping with secretary, this and that. Why wouldn't it happen when sight and water was not placed at his disposal? It's so important to understand this issue. People say, "No, I'm not denying him, but I don't have time." Then you are depriving. So it's very important. It says, "Do not—" This is not a counsel; it's a command. We are given a direct command like it says "Do not steal." You understand? He said when you steal, you are sinning. When you deprive, you are sinning. You are sinning against God. So we should understand what we are doing. Let us count the cost if we are thinking of marriage. Look at the other example the Lord gave us. He said if somebody want to build a house and he will not first count the cost, the number—he compares with the one that is coming against him. If he notices that "Ah, I have 70 soldiers, and the other person is coming with 30 billion," he quickly surrender, "Let me be a tributary king so that there will not be fight." It's giving us wisdom, practical wisdom. You're thinking that "Yeah, I want to marry, but if I marry, I'll now travel for five years to go and do a Master's and PhD in US. I will now come back for you." What type of thing are you talking? Delete the marriage. What are you saying? You need to look at scriptures and understand what we are doing. In marriage it says, "Do not deprive." You must look at everything. You must compare everything together. You say you are married, you leave the house from morning, you will not come until night. Everything like that, weekend like that, vacation like that. Then when, what time did you give to your spouse? These are things that we need to think about when we are thinking about marriage. Do not deprive. Sexual relation, do not deprive. Do not refuse. Then it now says "And defraud." That's another dimension. You know what it means to defraud? Thief. You know what that one means? When something else begins to satisfy your emotional need apart from your spouse. You know how some people defraud? They defraud by lust. They look and see and do and get and satisfy sexual desire. They don't even know the shape of their own wife's body. They deprive by lust. Some deprive by emotional affinity with somebody else. Some deprive by masturbation. They have satisfied sexual desires in another way. Some defraud by fornication, extra-marital, adultery. You are defrauding. You are satisfying it. Some defraud by pornography. Once they carry computer like this, they see different things on computer to satisfy their sexual need. Pornography. That is why we are saying that as a young man, have victory over a lot of things so you enter into marriage you will not become a defrauder. Is it your wife that makes you guilty of pornography? Go and check your life in the travel before you enter. It's the life problem of your own heart. Is it your husband that brought you into that, into lust? Lust is the problem of your own heart. So some defraud. So listen to what it says: "Do not refuse, do not deprive, do not defraud each other of due right." What the Bible call it: "due right." Why is it due? What are we telling us? It's a duty. Tell what it means? It's a duty. While there are issue of intimacy in sex, that is also a duty. It's a right. It's a fundamental human right inside the Bible. It says it's a right. Now it tells us "Except perhaps by mutual consent for a time." Why are we seeking for consent? One, why must there be a consent? If you look at what we have been discussing, why must there be a consent? Because nobody has authority over his or her own body. So you have to ask. The authorizing officer is not available. Who is authorizing for the wife? The husband. Who is authorizing for the husband? It is the wife. The authorizing officer needs to authorize it, has to stamp. If a stamp is not there and you are not available, you're a rebel against heaven. Heaven must see the stamp and say, "Ah, this visa has stamp. Okay, we have seen the stamp of the visa. Yes, you're not an illegal immigrant. You can migrate." But if you migrate to prayer without the stamp, you are illegal immigrant in the place of prayer. Yes, even in the place of prayer, illegal immigrant you are. You suddenly just start a fast. "Oh, I was in church and there was just this move of the spirit." And that move did not get the visa permit of the owner of the body. And the following morning you just pull her and say, "You see, I am on a fasting program." Sorry, that fasting program does not have visa. It's illegal fasting. It was not permitted. It cannot start. Before that one can start, there must be what? There must be the permit. That's what the Bible is saying. And it's coming from what was said earlier. These things are looking like they're hard. But they are not. That's what most people don't see when they are entering into marriage. You know what they are seeing? "Ah, I'm married now. My wife will just wash my clothes. She will cook my food. I'll now have children. My children will be fine." They're just looking at the privilege. They forget the work that is in there. Yes, there are privileges in marriage, honestly. There are many wonderful privileges. But if you must enjoy those privileges, you just told us. He said outside there among the Gentiles, those who lead them, they have authority over them. They sit where at the place of the privilege. But it will not be so among you. The person that wants to be the greatest, let him do what? Let him serve. Among us, we know correct life by service, not by privilege. It's by service. That's when the life is correct. It's by service. So important for us to know that. He says except by mutual consent. There must be consent so that you may devote yourself unhindered to prayer. So if you want to go two, three days, four days fasting—you know fasting comes or the church declared fasting—and we want to join that fast, we need the consent. Or perhaps maybe you attend a church and your husband doesn't attend that church. You know it is possible. Or your wife is an unbeliever, she's not attending that church. As long as the person is not part of that belief, sorry, that program cannot hold. That's what it is saying. I hope you are getting what I'm trying to make you see. Not pointing to you. Are you seeing what I'm trying to point to you? Let me make it a statement so that you can get it. God said, "Whatsoever God has joined together, let no man put asunder." God said the wages of sin is death. When God pushed sin upon Himself, what did he do? He died. Do you see that God Himself did not go against His word? He died. Is that not? Are you also seeing God here again? God said, "Let no man put asunder." And what is God doing? He's not putting asunder. "Don't go and pray with me." I will not put asunder. Don't use me to lie. Don't bring some kind of—they say when you pull some kind of "there is move of the spirit," bro, those moves—moves is not of the spirit if there is no consent. Do you get it? Because the covenant is one. Nobody has authority over his or her own body. Don't bring some religious propaganda. Don't bring some spiritual—like I remember the story told us sometimes of a couple that newlywedded. And the wife being a virgin was wondering how sex would look like. So immediately they got married, and the wife started using fasting. For almost three, four weeks they had not have the first sex. The wife is—until the bro discussed with their leader. And the wife had to talk with the bro—the wife had to talk with the brother—the husband was with the brother, the wife was with the sister. And they were talking. She now confided in the mommy that, "I'm afraid. This is how it normally feels. It looks like somebody can die. It's so painful. If you try—" That's why she's just using the fasting because she didn't know how to start it. So don't be that kind of a brother or sister. But eventually the case was resolved, the sister was encouraged, she was taught what was to do. So please, what we are trying to see here is that you see that God Himself is not putting asunder. That's what I'm trying to say. God is not putting asunder. He says, "Do not—" except for prayer. "And afterward, resume marital relations." After you have given yourself the time, resume marital relations. Resume marital relations. "Lest Satan tempt you to sin through your lack of restraint of sexual desire." Are you seeing something at all? Do you get what the Bible is saying? The first thing I want you to see from this verse is that it is very crucial for you to know that anybody that goes into marriage, if you say God let me into marriage, I'm persuaded to marry, I have reason to marry, you should know that there is an element of lack of control inside you. You should get that very clear. There is something to tell you that, look, if you are not careful with your life, you will misbehave. You should understand that. For anybody that goes into marriage, there is nothing like "I cannot fall into sexual sin." The day you say that, you have already fallen. You should understand, no matter what you used to think you are. Don't talk like that. That is not the Bible. The Bible says anybody that happens to be married has an element of what? Lack of self-control. There is something about you that can make you misbehave if you are not careful with your life. It is not what you need to feel; it is what you need to know. That is the truth. Some things that have happened to some people is that "Me, I know myself. I don't know me. My husband is the only man that I had relationship with and the only one that has slept with me. Me, even before I began to have sex I was so disciplined, not to talk of now that I have been having it. Nothing can happen." You are foolish. You are not wise. You see them things, some brothers they say they're talking nonsense. "I don't even like women that are virgins. I like the ones that are already experienced so that we can know what to do when we enter." Stupid young men. Instead of getting someone that you both learn the act together. And then the woman can say, "Oh, I learned everything about intercourse together with my husband. We learned different style. We went to this counseling. We didn't first know what to do. Then we sat down with some couples. They taught us different styles of what we can do and how to do it." Because this meeting will bring us to all of those points. Sexual responsibility. Some men, some of us don't even know what sexual intercourse everything one thing is all about. And I tell even sometimes you go to some secular they will go and watch pornography to learn what to do. You don't need to watch people's nakedness to know what to do. There are things that you can learn. There are people that you can submit to and we are going to go along with this talk, we'll get to the point of talking about what and what is involved in sexual intercourse. So people can learn, Christians can learn. You can listen to the message over and over again and learn what it is about. And I tell you, the person who ordained sex is God. God is the God of sex. The person who can teach you so much about sex is God. That's the truth. So go the Godly way and you will learn so much about it. That is the truth about it. So you should not refuse, you should not deprive, you should not defraud. Let the questions be coming in because when the questions come in I'll be attending to them by this time. Once it is 12, we will close for today. If there are questions, please let them be coming in. I said the technical people there, they should be passing the question. Why do— I said they should be bringing the question. No, ah goodness. I said the technical people there, they should be passing the question. No, that once it is 11:30, as the question comes, we start taking them. So we will stop wherever we stop at 12 so that we will have— Please be fast, let's have them. Oh, goodness. And I was calling for it that "let the questions start coming, let me have them." Okay, brethren online, please sorry the technical person didn't get what we were saying. Okay. I can see one here: "In marriage between couples, is there a type of sexual intercourse that is a sin? Is there a type of sexual intercourse?" Actually we will come to this one when we were talking about the act of sexual intercourse. We'll talk about style in sexual intercourse, type of sexual intercourse in marriage. I said it's a big—people are already preempting some things that are to come. Yes, let me answer that question briefly now. But please continue with the series; we will still deal with this matter. Style in sex and type of intercourse in marriage. We will soon come to all of those later. Please just keep joining, just keep connecting. But for now I will say ordinarily, there is no type of intercourse in marriage that is wrong. There is no type of intercourse in marriage that is a sin because that's the question here. Is there a type between couples in marriage that is a sin? There is no type that is a sin. The issue we will be treating when we get to that point is the issue of which type is helpful and which type is not helpful. All things are lawful, but all things are not helpful. There are types that are not helpful. And since sexual intercourse in marriage must be by consent, we should be looking at types that are helpful, not just types that are lawful. We will come to that much more later. Any other question again here? Okay, "How can spouses handle the issue around libido?" Another question, another one is here: "How can spouses handle the issue around libido?" Now, libido means sexual desire. Desire. Sexual desire differs with people. Some have very strong desire, some have low, some have passive when it comes to desire. So, for example, there are men that they can finish having sex today, tomorrow again they want sex, next tomorrow they want sex. There are men like that. There are women who want sex almost every other day too like that. And there are women who want sex once in a month. It does not affect— I'm talking about that's what we mean by libido. Now, when it comes to libido, what spouses, couples should do—that is why you notice, if it is the man, let's take it from the man or the woman. If the man have, because most of the time actually, men have higher libido than women. The reason being that a lot of things come together to bring sexual desire in the woman. For the man, sight can spark him up. He's then they have when you look at the cycle, at a single ejaculation, a man can have close to 300 sperm in a single ejaculation. But a woman has her eggs monthly. After some 24 days, some 25, some 27, 30. So generally libido is higher in men than in women. So it could be whichever way in any marriage. The woman may be higher than the man. There are men that have very low libido. We know of a couple that we were trying to look into, the man is thinking of maybe once in three months, while the woman is thinking of maybe once in a week. You can see that there are exceptional cases like that. But generally men have higher libido. What we do in marriage is that spouses should take time to learn who they marry. It's so important. Learn your spouse. It's so crucial. If you notice that your spouse have a high libido and you have a low one, you must pray God for God to increase your capacity. You get the point I'm making? You must pray to God to increase your capacity. Ask God to help you. It's not to be blamed; you are not to be blamed. It is God that brought the two of you together. So there must be a meeting point. That's what we call having a large heart. You sit down, you discuss around it. Okay, me once in two weeks, me every day. Okay, can we make it, can we make it, instead of once in two weeks, can we make it twice a week? Can you try and come up? Can me that want it every day, can I make it to—? You understand? You discuss it with yourself. You look around it. What can we do? Okay, the person that had a low libido, why is your libido low? Could it be because there is an offense? Could it be because you are aggrieved? Or could it be because I'm not, we are not sexually intimate? You understand? There could be issues. You look at it. Maybe there is an offense, maybe there is something that has not been forgiven, you are still keeping some malice, some bitterness, something. You search through. You try to deal with the intimacy. When you resolve that and both of you are on the same page, and that is why I said that at the beginning, people who keep malice are almost—they are not marriage material. They are wicked people. You should learn to forgive each other and then look at whatever could be the problem. Resolve it with yourself. And that is what it makes to be Christian. The sun should not go down on your anger or anything. You resolve it. If there is, because sometimes libido, particularly for women, libido goes down when their mind is not in love, is not intimate with their husband. They'll just find that nothing about them, because sexual love is the least of all love in the woman. In the woman the first love is the passionate love, is the passionate love, then you move to romantic—you move to friendly love, you move to romantic love, you move to compassionate love, before you talk of sexual love. While in men sexual love comes first. Even if a man don't have any intimacy with a woman, he can rape a woman and sleep with her and he will enjoy it. That's why men at rape is most times men raping women and not women raping men. Because a man don't need any intimacy so much to have sex. But a woman needs it. It is when you have satisfied the friendly love, the compassionate love, the romantic love, when all have been satisfied then she becomes sexual. So you check some of all those things around the libido. A woman who have a man that have a high libido should understand that "look, I have a duty to satisfy my husband." So if there are issues, forgive and then be available. The husband check, are there issues? Am I not available enough? You check all those steps that we have discussed. If both of you handle it this way as Christians, then you should be able to overcome the libido issue. But people do have different libido level. It happens in marriage. There's another question given to me here: "What are the practical things that couples can do to build intimacy?" Okay, this person is just preempting things that are to come. When we come to the act of sex, we'll discuss understanding foreplay. How to build libido, how to build intimacy. Now the first thing about, but let me also give a little answer for now. The little answer I will give for now is that number one, the first thing about building intimacy is time. Learn to spend time with each other. Don't allow your job, your career, your business, your academics or whatever, make sure that you spend time with each other. Time. The second thing about building intimacy is emotional intelligence. Is that you learn to be sensitive to the emotional need of your spouse. Learn to be sensitive to the emotional need. You be sensitive. You should be able to look at, "Ah, my wife it's like you are not happy. Ah dear, my husband, it's like—" Some people can quickly see when others are not happy but they don't see when their spouse are not happy. That's a lack of emotional intelligence. Learn to be sensitive to the person. Learn to know if the person is withdrawn. Learn if the person is not doing the way the person normally do. Then another thing to build intimacy is to be sensitive to the person's need. Need. I tell people, if there is no need you are meeting in the life of your spouse, then you are useless. If you die, the person will not miss you. You are useless to the person's life. There should be something that if, for example, you travel for a day or two, "Ah, if my husband was here now, ah, he would have done this thing for me." That's how you build intimacy. "Ah, I wish my wife was around, she would have she would have done—" You understand me? Learn to meet need, personal need, personal need. It could be that, "Oh, don't worry, I will always make the bed. Don't worry, I'll help you wash your clothes. Don't worry, market, okay let me help you go to market. If you just have to—no, I will help you do this shopping. Okay, let me drive you to the market." Learn to meet need. Don't allow people to be meeting your spouse's need. There are some you may not be able to meet. You get the point? The needs are diverse. But there are some needs, sensitive needs, personal needs. Do you notice that when somebody is meeting a need in your life, you start getting connected? Have you noticed it? Yes, that is it. It is the same thing in marriage. Meet the need. Learn to meet the person's need. Yoruba people say *Eni to ba toju obinrin, lobinrin mo*. That is the truth. What I mean is that the person who takes care—women, regardless of their age and anointing, they're not different from babies. Yes. Once you give them attention, they will be attached to you. Am I correct? They said I am very correct. Once you take them—you just did it, they will follow you. They will just become—and go down to you. They want to die with you. That is the secret of it. Learn to meet their need. That way couples will build intimacy. I think that's all the question we have online. Okay, these are the questions that were given to me. So I hope your questions have been answered. If there are areas that are not clear, please you can still send them ahead to the Telegram page. Once we are starting next month, second Saturday, we will handle those questions before we move on to the matters we want to move on from where we stop today. Please invite others, make them join online, either on Telegram or Mixlr. Physical brethren, please invite people more. Couples, believers, let's learn these things together. Our God is a God of sex. Believers should not have problem about sexual intimacy and sexual intercourse. It is our Father that created sex. We are the one who should not have problem about it. The Lord will help us. We'll break it beyond this point. Let me invite Mrs. Fatherly to close the meeting. Let me invite you to come and pray. Come and close this meeting for us today as we round up for today. Please pray for homes, pray for families. [Speaker 1] Lord, we thank You for opportunity like this. We say to You be the glory in Jesus' name. Thank You for this teaching. We say to You be the honor in Jesus' name. Lord, we pray that You will help us in Jesus' name. Help our homes in the name of Jesus. We pray, O Lord, that You will give unto us the enablement, the strength, that we will not say no to our spouses in Jesus' name. That we will not deprive and defraud our spouses in the name of Jesus. As many that are having health challenges that is affecting their sex life, we pray, O Lord, that You will help them in Jesus' name. Meet them at the very point of their needs in the name of Jesus. We pray that You will build our homes in the name of Jesus. We pray, O Lord, that none of us will be a victim of what we are saying in Jesus' name. Lord, we pray that You will help us to have a good sexual life in the name of Jesus. Help us and help our spouses in the name of Jesus. As You are building families, we pray that You continue to build His family in Jesus' name. We pray that by next month that we'll be gathering, You will bring so many people to enjoy this in Jesus' name. For in Jesus' mighty name we have prayed. Amen. Let's share the grace together. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with us now and forevermore. Amen. Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives, and we shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever. Amen. [Speaker 2] This message is coming to you from Family Tent Ministry, a Christian ministry involved in enriching the lives of singles and married through preaching and teaching of God's word, discipleship, family life enrichment, social and community development, and mission aid. Our regular activities are: Discipleship Class, every Monday, 5:00 PM; Adolescents and Singles' Club, every first Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; Marriage Forum, second Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; family life seminars, regular school outrages, and everyday counseling. For further counseling, you can reach us at our location: Life Camp by the first bridge, Ilere Community, opposite the Rejoice Filling Station along Ijede Road, Akure, Ondo State, Nigeria. You can also reach us through our social media handles: familytent@yahoo.co.uk, familytentministry01@gmail.com, www.familytentministry.org. Our phone numbers are 08033861136, 07033613848. God bless you all.