Sex and Finance 1 (sex and Health)

[Speaker 1] Join me as I welcome Venerable Dr. Faghemi. [Speaker 2] Praise the Lord. I cannot believe everything you hear. Choose what to believe. Good morning everybody. And let me start by apologizing for coming late and for not bringing my wife. So many things had happened today, but this is the day that the Lord has made. I will not go into the details because people's faith has a way of fluctuating. But God has ordered it that we are here and we thank God for everything. Well, Daddy and Mommy, well, he can say whatever he likes about teacher, pastor, and all of that. But I will say this about Daddy Olusoya. I've been in the Lord for over 30 years and I've sat under many teachers. But there are few that have such a deep, profound understanding of the word of God like him, especially in the area that God has called him to. And believe you me, I've had so many teachers. When I say that I say it with all sense of modesty. So for those of us who drink from his fountain of knowledge, especially in the area of marriage, what we are drinking from is invaluable. It's invaluable. What attracted me to him, as a teacher myself I'm naturally drawn to teachers. I can't stand evangelists and I cannot tolerate pastors. But I just have to endure them because most of the time they don't know what they are talking about. So they just confuse people. Instead of them to just pastor and evangelists to call people to the altar, they start to teach. And most of the problem we have in the church today is because of pastors and evangelists that are teaching. Believe you me, they have caused more problems, they have confused more doctrines than we can. Secondly, the teaching ministry is one that we have not recognized enough and we have not given them platform. Most of those people that are teaching on radio and television, they have no business being there. They're causing more confusion, they're just muddling the waters. So for Daddy and Mommy, God has given them a gift. Not only are they gifted, they are gifts to the body of Christ. I pray that the reach of that gift, the depth of the gift is already solid. I only pray that the reach of the gift will get wider and wider in Jesus' name. So whatever you hear, please cherish it. Cherish it. We are always looking for opportunities to drink from their knowledge so that we can be... some of the most profound understanding I have about marriage is by listening to them and it has shaped my life and marriage. So I want to thank you sir, and I want to thank Mommy. Thank you Daddy and Mommy and thank you for this vision. And I believe God is going to help us. I felt humbled when they called me. I said, "Ah, how can I come and share your platform? You are the one that... I don't even know where to start. This is perhaps some of the most intimidating assignment I've been given." But I thank you. Let us pray. Everlasting Father we thank you for gathering us together. We know that you have a purpose and you have started the work in our lives already. As you inch us forward day by day adding more and more to us, we pray that we will not miss your mark in Jesus' name. The things will be discussing today and hereafter, use it to enrich our lives and use it to solidify our faith. Thank you Daddy. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. My responsibility is to talk on sex and health. And well, as a medical doctor I think I can talk about health and I can talk about sex. It's not a very common topic because we just assume that since sex is a physiological thing and everybody just we just do it by natural instinct. And it is good. It is good to do it by instinct but it's also good when you have knowledge. When you have knowledge it is good. We do a lot of talk about the spiritual dimensions of health. Oh, I forgot to greet my son's teacher and wife, Mr. Omorodio. I have to recognize him specially because he has been mentoring my son and he has successfully delivered the boy from the jaws of WAEC. I appreciate him so much. We owe him a debt of gratitude in our family for bringing water out of the rock. Thank you so much. He has more faith in the boy than myself and the faith has proven to be true. I'm sure he will never forget you. Thank you so much. So sex is... we know a lot, it's a spiritual thing, we are always talking about the spiritual dimension and truthfully so. I won't go there. It's sacred, it's spiritual and all that. But sex has other components. Sex is also physical and there's a lot about our health that we need to pay attention to. You must know that there are multidimensions of sex. Okay, for those online... okay, so there are multiple dimensions to health. There's a physical component to it because it involves you doing something, actively doing something. Even for those who think they are passive in the act, even that your passivity there is still some action that is going on. There's of course an emotional component to it. There's an emotional component to sex and there's a physiological component to sex. So when I say physical component I'm talking in terms of the movement, the motions that we make. And when I talk about the emotional component I'm talking about your mind. I'm talking about what goes through your mind, how you feel about what you are doing. And when I talk about the physiological I'm talking about your system. All these are involved in sex. As simple or as complex as it is. And it plays different role depending on who you are. Remember sometimes we are young, I see some young couples here. So there's a kind of sex they will be engaging in now. Then when you are 70 and 80, try to imagine how it's going to progress. So the physical component will change with time, the physiological component will change with time and the emotional component will also change with time. And good sex should balance the three. Good sex should balance the three. How much of which plays a role depends on different factors. But so when you think about your sex life you need to think about all of that. Now from sex is a form of exercise. And thank God that God recommends it for us. It's just that it is not something that should be indulging in outside of laid down rules. So sex is a form of exercise. And you'll be surprised at how much physical exercise sex people can engage in having sex. Some calories are burned depending on how active you are. For those who are young, I will recommend it for them to be as active as they can be but not to the extent of falling down or breaking their back or something else. But it is... it's fun and that is how it's supposed to be. Anytime you are having sex... sex in marriage has few limitations. So when you are young, please engage in it. You can even sweat, do a lot of things. So it's something that is... and at the end of the day you discover that when you finish you sleep off, you relax. I don't know about women. I can talk for a man that some of the best sleep you have is after sex. True or false? True. But the women they don't like it. They think we sleep too quickly. But what else do you do? So for us, yeah, that's the truth. It can be relaxing, you have it, you do some exercise and you do all the acrobatic you want to do. And it's part of it. Don't listen to the person that is telling you that ah... kinni gbogbo wahala yi? Ah, gbogbo wahala yen pelu nkan t'elomi n wa lo tita o. So it's better for you to do the wahala. Are we together? So there's a physical dimension to it. And if you do it, it's good for your health. Doctors will always recommend exercise. So I recommend exercise for you. I'm sure some people are already thinking, which kind of pastor is this? How does sex become an exercise? I know many of us we are stuck to what is called missionary style but I've read the whole Bible I didn't see that missionary style there. So I don't know who came up with that idea. So missionary style is not in the Bible. Everybody is free to use their initiative. So but be physically involved. It's good for you. I will talk about the limitations. Now, be physiologically involved. I also don't know how women feel, but I can tell you that for us men, if you have sex by the time you reach orgasm, one of the things you find out is that your heart rate has actually peaked. You know, has really moved up. Because the rate at which your heart is going to pump is going to be a lot faster than it used to pump. And it's good for your heart. It's good exercise for your heart. I want to believe that... I'm not a woman but from my own studies and from my knowledge, I want to believe that women have the same thing. And it's good for you to exercise your heart regularly. It's a very sophisticated piece of equipment that God put there. You don't know the value of it until it spoils and you are trying to fix it. And it can be very, very expensive to fix. So if you have an opportunity to exercise it regularly, please do so. And sex is one of those things that can exercise it without you spending a lot of money. So when your heart pumps very well, it does a lot of things. Perfusion level increases and so on and so forth. The brain gets all the blood, the kidneys, all the organs get perfused very well. So the pumping is good. So all those pick pick pick you hear your heart and after some time everything comes down, ah you feel a lot better. You feel refreshed. You feel refreshed. Now there's an emotional component to it. And if sex is done right, if it is done in an atmosphere of love, it can be very fulfilling. If it is done in an atmosphere of abuse, it is counterproductive. It is counterproductive. So I will recommend that you do your sex in an atmosphere of love. A woman that is ill-treated, a woman that is not respected, a woman that is demeaned during the day is not a woman you have sex with during the night. Believe you me, you can... that is not sex, that is just an abuse. Sex is designed in an atmosphere of love and you can reap the maximum benefit of it. So it should not be... you should not be having sex as if you are having sex with a prostitute. You know with a prostitute there's no emotional transaction. You just do it for physiological purpose and you go away. Marriage is not designed to work that way. So I will advise that when you want to... maintain your marriage in such a way that it actually... there's another name we call it, it's actually called lovemaking, isn't it? Yes, I like that name "lovemaking". And I used to tell people that are having infertility, if you have somebody that has infertility you discover that for them sex is a task after a while. It's a task that they do so that they achieve pregnancy. But that's not what sex is designed for. Pregnancy is one of those things that come out of sex, I know. But sex is not primarily for pregnancy. Sex is supposed to be like Holy Communion, as often as you drink it do this in remembrance... Hallelujah. You know all these men that will tell you that we should go to Jerusalem. So sex is supposed to be like Holy Communion. It is actually a kind of communion. So but I won't go there, that is for Daddy Olusoya. So there should be that emotional component. But why am I talking about it? Because in health, emotional wellbeing is very, very important. If you are having sex with somebody that doesn't love you, but she is forced to have sex with you, you are doing more damage to that person. You are doing more damage to that person. Our emotional wellbeing speaks to our happiness, speaks to our fulfillment. So if you know you want to enjoy the best out of sex, create a loving atmosphere. That's the truth. Even if you are... and the good thing about sex is that it's available, it's free of... in fact, it's the only recreational exercise I know that you don't pay for. So no matter how poor you are, no matter how bad things are, you can always do that. So why not create the enabling environment for you to enjoy it? Enjoy it. So the emotional component, because when that emotional harmony is not there, wow, sex is actually an injury to the other person. That person is just going to feel used. You know, it's just something... it becomes like a piece of equipment that the other person is using for self-gratification. And that's not what it's supposed to be like. And it's counterproductive. So every time you have sex... have you seen a situation where there is sex, after the sex one person is snoring, the other person is crying? You should, of course... I know many of us like to do these things in darkness. That's another misconception. It's not something to be done in the dark. Try to do it in the light. Yes, on the light, look at the face of the person you are having sex with. Look at the expression on their face. And you can begin to imagine whether what are you doing to this person? That's the truth. Is it just doing it out of matrimonial duty? That all that is creating problem for that person's mental state. So make sure that you create enabling environment. So like they used to tell us that if you want to go to Jerusalem in the evening, it's from the morning you start to make all the preparation. Let her be happy, let her feel appreciated. And vice-versa. I'm saying this more for the man because we men have a way of having our way and having our orgasm and going to sleep. But many women don't. You understand. So you must... sex is not complete if a wife does not reach orgasm. That guy just got his way. And there are women who have been married for 10... in fact there are women who don't even understand this word "orgasm" I'm talking about. And they've been married for 15 years, they've never experienced... they don't even know that it exists. Yes, because it is not so easy for a woman to reach orgasm as for a man. Most of us men, we are two-minute men. We come too quickly. And the woman is just... by the time you are through, the woman has not started. That is the... let me tell you that. You must make deliberate effort. If you want your wife to enjoy the maximum out of the sex, you must make deliberate effort. You must tell yourself "I'm going to have sex, we are going to have sex today. Today, you are going to get to your own Jerusalem too." You must plan it. And it means you must restrain yourself, you must control yourself. It takes a lot of discipline and it takes practice so that you don't just rush through and leave her. So you must do that. And when she does, you will feel so excited. I asked somebody, "what is the greatest excitement of sex?" He said, "it's not that a man reaches orgasm, it's that a man sees her partner reach orgasm." Believe you me, when you take your wife there... I mean, it's so gratifying. But when she doesn't get there and you get there, something within you know that you've been selfish. And so you cannot be, unless you are heartless, you cannot be fulfilled. Two people are supposed to share the... and you are the only one that is eating every time. How do you think the other person will feel? So these are some of the things we need to pay attention to. And the woman will never, ever get there if she's not happy. Forget it. A man does not need to be emotional to reach orgasm. It's like a machine, it's a mechanical thing. But when she's not happy she has a mental block. If her mind is not there. So I want us to make sure that we do that and you create that ambiance for her. You be patient. You talk to her. And when you are having sex, talk. Some people they just keep quiet. I don't know whether it's as if they... all these things, I don't even know why we pick all these bad habits from. They don't even teach us in Sunday school. I don't know how we manage to do all those things. So you talk to her. She's your wife. These are the reason why you are not allowed to have sex with somebody that is not your wife. Because there could be a lot of restriction. She's your wife. Talk to her. And women should to talk to the man. Guide the man. This is how you do it, this is where I want it, this is what I like and all of that. This is not the atmosphere for that, Dr. will bring me back another time. We talk about the nitty-gritty. But it's better for us to talk this so that people don't go and start watching pornographic film materials just to find out about their curiosity. We must know how to engage a woman sexually. It's not as easy as we think it is. Okay. Now, there are some things that can come out of sex, which we already know and that to with our health. Number one is sex can result in pregnancy. I'm sure we know that. Good. Yeah. So two things. If you want to have a baby from the sex, prepare for it. That is the truth. If you know you are not ready to have a baby from the sex, do something about it. Prevent it if you are not ready. The fear of pregnancy can mitigate your enjoying sex. That's the truth. And most women are conscious of this. So let them go and do family planning. Don't need to kill yourself. Do family planning. There are different method now. They are getting safer, they are getting better, they are getting more diverse. So you carry that headache from your head. Whether it is safe or not safe. And whether you should do it you should not do it. So that calendar is not the one regulating your sex life. Sex should be spontaneous. Should not be regulated by calendar. When it is too mechanical, too artificial, it's not the fun is not there. So you can imagine you traveled, you come back and you want to have sex and your wife says "I'm not safe." Ah, iru safety wo niyen? E lo safe o. All those issues. So just do family planning. Then you carry the headache away from your life. Many people don't want to talk about it. Talk about family planning. Take your wife to family planning, go and do something. And find out the one that suit her, go to... and now your mind is free. And if you had all the children... so you can space your children properly. And please, please don't do withdrawal method. Please. I want to beg you in the name of God. Don't do what? Withdrawal. It is very unreliable method. You are going to have children when you don't plan. Well, I don't know what we think about it but you know the moral burden of abortion is very, very high. You'd be surprised how many married women go and do abortion because they found out that they are pregnant and they know that they cannot, you know, afford to keep this baby. As a Christian, please don't put yourself in the situation where you make that decision. Just go and do family planning. And if you are looking for a child then continue to have sex. But not just because of having a child but because you need to continue to drink from that wealth of nourishment that sex gives you. Now sex can also result in disease. You know about HIV, hepatitis B, all the other gonorrhea, all the other diseases. And even this monkeypox that is coming out now. And so your sex hygiene must be okay. If you are having extramarital affair, always remember that you can give something to somebody you love most. And that is an issue. Not only will you contact the disease from outside, you are going to give it to the person you love most. Now to infect your wife is a very dangerous thing. Because it is bad enough for you to be infected. You can imagine what happens if the two of you are now infected. That is what happened in central Africa, east and central Africa where you have children that are families that are headed by children. They've lost both their parents to HIV. But things are better now. So don't put yourself there. Always remember you have loved ones at home because you cannot justify using a condom with your wife now. You have no justification. So you make sure you keep yourself away from all these infections. And the Bible say drink water from your own fountain or cistern. Now, what about those who are HIV positive? Oh sure, discordant couples, there are so many of them. So if you are HIV positive, that's not to for you not to have sex. So we tell them for those ones they continue to use condom when they are not ready to have a baby and the other one will be on drugs. Once you are HIV positive and you are on drugs, you have nothing to worry about. You take your drugs regularly, your viral load is negligible or undetectable, then you continue to have sex using barrier contraceptive. And when you want to have a child, we know your viral load is okay, you stop the barrier for a few times and you are good to go. So I'm just saying that in case there is somebody here who is HIV positive and is having issues around that. If you go for for counseling they will have talked about this. Or in case you know somebody want to marry somebody that is HIV positive and they are making all the noise around it. Tell them to get out. You know, when our church organizations started say that we should they should people should go and do screening before they marry. I said "it's a good thing to do screening before they marry, but I will never ever give the result of a medical screening to any pastor." Why? If a pastor wants to become a doctor he should go to medical school. The fact that you are a pastor does not give you jurisdiction over the entirety of another person's life. Who designed that? Which constitution is that? So HIV positive and somebody that is negative, so what's the business of the church with that? Eh, HIV positive person should not marry, should go and die? That's not true. Hmm? Please. We counsel them. So you are positive, your wife is negative. Okay madam, you are positive, or vice-versa. Go on ART and you'll be okay and you know start going to the clinic, they tell you what you need to do and then you live your life happily ever after. I know people that have been HIV positive for the past 20 years, they are doing wonderfully. I know people that are not HIV positive, their marriage not up to five years before something terrible happened, somebody died. So who is... nobody knows. So that is if you are HIV positive, if you are hepatitis B positive, tell your partner to go and take a vaccination. So that you don't infect your partner. Where there's vaccination take vaccination. Where there's no vaccination use condom, manage your sexual life. If you have other STDs that are treatable, go and treat it. And then you can begin to enjoy your life. Ah, now as I begin to round up, disease condition that can affect sex. During illness, you need to be careful. I'm not talking of illness that can be transmitted by sex. Just general illness. So the man or the woman may not be strong enough. So you need to look at whether they can cope with the level of activity or not. I will not say don't do sex at all, because it depends on the illness. Just look at that person if he can cope. Because sometimes sex is part of the treatment. Kinni nkan to n so? Gbogbo nkan yen l'o ro m'eji o. Alara o r'owo o, olohun o r'owo... I don't say because of some illness, they are chronic illness, so just try to... if he's recovering, it's part of the nourishment. Now, but if you have heart conditions that because sex has a way of pushing our heart a little bit. I said earlier that the heart is exercised during sex. But the heart can get over-excited. So when you say when they tell you that a young man died on top of a young woman, an elderly man died on top of a young woman, it's what we call unaccustomed exercise. You are using a saloon to pull a pickup or to pull a trailer. Something is going to happen. So always remember that if you have heart condition make sure you... oni'e s'eleke bosi, l'ai f'ejo. So you can do your bosi with style and then get on with it. So always remember that. Doctors will tell you to do exercise but they will tell you that you should not do unaccustomed exercise. In pregnancy, what about sex and pregnancy? Yes, in pregnancy you can have sex. Why not? In early pregnancy, the truth is that most people don't even know the early pregnancy. But if you have challenge with getting pregnant or if you have been having recurrent abortion, let me not use the word "abortion" because people don't understand it. Actually it's called abortion. But when we say "abortion" people think you go to remove it. So let me say if you are having recurrent miscarriage. Okay, that is easier for people to understand. If you miscarriage first time, second time, so we tell you that when you are just pregnant, early, don't have sex. Right, if you are having recurrent miscarriage. If you miscarriage first time, second time. So usually apart from that, you can have sex in pregnancy. The only other people that don't have sex in pregnancy is if you are bleeding in pregnancy, that means your placenta is low, low-lying placenta, the doctors will say "okay, take it easy don't have..." otherwise pregnancy from beginning to the end is a free time. Don't let anybody tell you that they are pregnant. It's a lie. The truth is that many women actually like sex when they are pregnant. That's the truth. They begin to have so don't be over-sympathetic. Mama iya os'ojo olo'un o r'owo o, alara o r'owo... Because women sometimes we are the one that ah, eh... se o wa le cope bayi? O l'o o le cope, go and cope. You just have to find a way round the mountain. And there are many road that leads to the market. So you find your way round it. So for pregnancy it is safe. So yeah, and otherwise you should... if you are married to somebody that is way older than you, maybe 8, 9, 10 years older than you, then you should know that as they advance in age you need to take it easy. So that this unaccustomed exercise does not become an issue. So safe sex, I've talked about it. There are also alternative to sex. Now, again in our sexual hygiene or what do I call it, that is what we use sexual hygiene or sexual habit. It is not all the time that you must just go in like that. There are other things you can do and still feel fulfilled. You can just play. The foreplay is very important. And sometimes for women, even the foreplay is enough. That's the truth. But women seem to be wired "if I don't get to Jerusalem I'm not going to stop at the gate, I must get to Jerusalem." So sometimes but it's not always like that. So let's develop a foreplay culture. Foreplay for the process, for the purpose of getting the woman ready to the act. And foreplay for the purpose of alternatives. You know, when you are not just going all the way, just fool around, you know, together, play around and then go and sleep. All these are things that can help you and nourish your sex sexual life. Be creative, be innovative. Not with the hope of going to go and do pornography. Be innovative. My general advice is young couples should do two things. Number one, they should not get pregnancy too soon, get pregnancy too soon in their marriage. That does not allow them enough time to get to know each other. Because once the baby comes in, young baby cannot be left alone. The woman, her maternal instinct will switch over. She switch from becoming a wife to becoming a mother. And that switch is programmed that way. Once a vulnerable child comes into the family, attention will go to that child. Even if she's sleeping her heart will be with... so you don't want to bring that child into the marriage too soon before they get to know each other, before they attain a rhythm and a routine. The reason why many of us don't know what to do is that we got pregnant too soon. And till today, you can't find that rhythm. So that's the first thing. The second thing I will say is at that stage also, don't live with another person. Don't let them bring another person to come and stay with you. It's going to alter your sexual life. There's no reason for you to be married and if you are staying in a even if it is one-bedroom self-contain, you should be able to understand the dynamics of lovemaking in the sitting room, on the couch, in the kitchen and in the bedroom. If you are not able to... you are laughing, it's your house now. If you never do all that one, are you going to do it in heaven? It's here now. So you have to be creative, you have to be innovative. It's just a game. You understand. It's something you do after all. Your wife is supposed to be your lover. You know, when I was young I used to attend Deeper Life. One of the thing that chased me away from the place was in those days they were giving people marriage and I said, "never, nobody is going to pick a wife for me." No, that what happens to you when you marry somebody you don't love. When you marry somebody you love, your house is your house. But if somebody is staying with you, it becomes an issue. It becomes an issue. If children are coming too fast, too soon, it becomes an issue. All those people that used to be watching se o ti sun, se ko ti sun, all those kind of thing. It's not helping. And by the way, white people have a culture. Some children are very stubborn. But I learned from the white, from some of the children psychological book I read that it is what you expose a child to the child will learn. And a white... if you notice these white men, when they want to have a baby they go and prepare a room for the baby and a cot. Their babies don't stay with them. If you put your baby with you, that baby will grow up on that bed and will not want to leave that bed. If you put the baby in another room with door open, when he cry go and breastfeed, come back to your room. Baby will know that stay in your bed I stay in my bed. But baby inside room bad for sexual life. That is in fact what happens is the man will now carry his mattress leave the two of them to the room, go to another room. That is the frustration and we'll be wondering se o ti sun. You'll be tiptoeing in your own house. Especially when they get to this curious age when they are beginning to walk around and "Daddy, Mommy, what is going on?" So that is something you need to manage. So I will say, as I close that let us create an enabling environment for us to enjoy our sex life. Let's talk about it and yes, sex in the afternoon very good. I hope there's nobody here that believe that if you have sex in the afternoon, you are going to give birth to albino. Let me tell you, let me tell you something that I found very bizarre. Now most couples like to have sex in the night, you notice that. Now you wonder but a lot of the extramarital affair that takes place, takes place in the afternoon. I mean the man is going to sneak from office take somebody somewhere or do it in the office. But it's in the afternoon. But when he gets to the house, iyan o ti sun. Ah, iyan o d'odun yen o. All things bright and beautiful. As the Bible say before the Lord there is no night or dark place, all things are the same. So also try to do that. You know, sometimes it is what it is. So enjoy yourself, create space for yourself and enjoy your sex life. But do it keeping your health. If you have health challenge discuss with your doctor, otherwise sex is good for your health, it's a good exercise. And I think I will stop here. Yeah, so those who have subarachnoid hemorrhage during sex, which we call well, all those people that die during sex because they have subarachnoid hemorrhage, is because sometimes it's because they do unaccustomed exercise. 90-year-old man chasing a 20-year-old girl, he's just going to kill himself. 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