Third Party in Marriage 3

[Background Music: Choir singing "Glorious things of thee are spoken, Zion, city of our God..."] Churches and fellowships cannot be more spiritual than the individuals and families that constitute them. God greatly desires a godly home for you. These are words of restoration and instruction in righteousness from Family Tent Ministry. May you be blessed as you listen. [Speaker 1] Praise ye the Lord. We thank our God again for another time in His presence. The second Saturday in the month of October for our Marriage Forum. We trust the Lord again that as we gather together, it will be a time of blessing. It will be a time that our lives and homes, families will be enriched in the name of Jesus Christ. We thank God for His preservations and we begin to say welcome again our brethren on Mixlr, our brethren on Telegram. You are all welcome again on board as we journey together again this morning. And those who are physically here, we trust the Lord that His Spirit will work among us, within us, to the glory of His name in the name of Jesus Christ. We have been considering this very important topic since the month of August: Third Party in Marriage. We had the first episode in August, the second episode in September, and we are having the third one today in October. We are hoping that we might be able to conclude on this topic this week. Let's see how this episode goes. We are hoping so, except if critical questions come up. Like we normally do, when there are critical questions that come up, we try to attend to those questions. So, if critical questions come up from our discussion—maybe questions that might be on Mixlr or Telegram, or maybe people call us to ask critical questions as to the teaching—then sometimes if we feel that it will be beneficial for everybody to profit from it, then we take time to respond to those questions as a way of extending that topic and making it clearer. So, Third Party in Marriage. We have been able to look at what we mean when we say "third party." The fundamental meaning of third party refers to any other person apart from the man and his wife. Any other person or thing—anything or person. It can be something living or non-living. Anything or person apart from the man and his wife is a third party. So, third party cuts across everything. It cuts across job, family, children, friends. Just the list is endless. That was our discussion. Then in the month of September, we looked at what is the divine design when you come to the matter of third party. What can we learn from Scripture? What is the mind of God concerning the issue of third party in terms of understanding what marriage really is? If we know what marriage really is, then we will see that as far as God is concerned, what God has joined together, let no man, let nobody, no matter who you think you are—whether you are a friend of the husband or a friend of the wife, the sister, the mother, the father—let nobody ever try to say things or do things that will not make couples to be at peace. If you think that your action or inaction is affecting a couple, you are supposed to withdraw from them. You are not to try to separate them. You are not to try to say, "It's my brother, it's my sister, it's my friend." At the same time too, it's important for couples to realize that nobody, regardless of the existing relationship you have with that person, comes before your spouse. Nobody comes before your spouse. Your spouse comes first before any other person. So, if there's an issue about somebody and your spouse, the first thing to do is you put that person somewhere, reconcile with your spouse, then both of you now decide what you want to do about that person. It's not, "No, you see this person, I cannot." Nobody can be more important than your marriage. It's very, very important. We must learn to choose our home first. That's what we were trying to look at in the divine design: what marriage really is, the position of God about marriage, about human and non-human, the yoke of marriage, the test of spirituality in marriage and all of that. That was what we discussed in the month of September. For those of you just joining us now, if you are joining our Telegram page, the recorded versions are there for August and September. You will get it there. For people that are joining us on Mixlr, you can also look at the show reel to have it there, or you can connect to our website. It will be announced by the end of the program. You can check it up on our website—the August edition and the September edition of it. So today, we are trying to bring it to what I mentioned when we were concluding last month. We'll be looking at the "Critical Trio." Three people, three things that are very critical when you come to third party. This trio is very critical, and that is why we are taking them. While the list of third party is endless, there are three critical ones that we felt we need to look at a little more closely so that we would have given some insight or we can have some more practical discussions about these three. So we have learned one or two things for our lives and for our marriages. Now, when you look at the three we mentioned—our kin, job, and then friends, exes and friends—I will take them in that order. The first one is the kin: the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, the brothers and the sisters. Why are these people very critical when it comes to talking about third party? The Christian home and the relationship with our in-laws and siblings—why are they very critical? The truth is this: naturally, generally, we have sentiments when it comes to family members. And we need the wisdom of God to be able to manage our relationship with our in-laws—brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law, all those in-laws. Don't be naive about this matter. We all have sentiments when it comes to family members. You can take side with your family members against your spouse. And sometimes when family members come into the matter, even though they want to try and resolve the issues between couples, they may find themselves taking sides not even knowing that they have taken sides. And that is why generally, I do encourage that—except in exceptional situations, everything about life has some exception here and there—it is always very good when couples, while you are still courting, you are relating together and all of that before you settle down into marriage, be sure to have older couples, people both of you can regard. The husband will have regard for that person, you have regard, and both of you are deciding that this couple will be the mentor of our marriage. Generally, it is always very good, as much as possible, for both of you to have pre-decided it. Don't wait till when there are issues. Because when you wait till when there are issues, when the person calls someone and says, "Look, you have gone to discuss my matter with so-so person," it would be something that both of you decided that, "Look, if this person calls, and he calls this family, he calls this person, it has been our joint decision." Just have that provision in your marriage, what we call marriage mentors. The Bible says older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands, and older men should teach younger men too how to live correctly. So there's this older to younger. It's very important, and honestly for marriages, it is very, very important. You may never use that family, that couple throughout your life, but have the provision. Have the provision. It's always very good. Now, to what we are saying, I also want to add that as much as possible, when there are issues to handle, as much as possible—except exceptionally—it might be good not to begin reporting your spouse to the in-laws, to your siblings. Because by the time the matter is over, the siblings, the matter may not be over with the siblings. So please, these are very important things. But towards what we are discussing, why is it that in-laws are critical third parties? It's because generally, we all can be sentimental. Don't be naive about that. We all can be sentimental. We need the wisdom of God to manage our relationship with our in-laws. Otherwise, in-laws can tear a union apart. In-laws—mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, all those in-law, in-law, in-law—can bring you to a law court. And the law court can issue whatever, let everybody part their ways. So we need, we have seen different situations, we have seen different marriages where it was the involvement, it was the in-laws that could not allow the husband and the wife to be able to resolve their problem. So, in-laws can tear a marriage apart. And the reason is because generally, we have sentiment. The mother could be saying, "Look, this is my son. You can't take my son from me." The father is saying, "Look, I'm the one that spent on this person." The wife is claiming this way, the husband is claiming that way. Mind you, that is not the design of God. God did not design that anybody should be more important than the marriage. At the same time, because of our long relationship with our siblings, we all tend to be sentimental when it comes to handling our siblings. And before you know it, you'll be taking side with your siblings against your spouse. You'll be taking side with your mother, taking side with your father, taking side with your brother or sister against your spouse. The couple must adopt a conscious, deliberate action in making their union stronger than the relationship between them and their siblings. What we are saying is that we must consciously make effort, we must deliberately make effort to make sure that the relationship we have with our spouse in the process of time is growing stronger and stronger and stronger than the one we have with our siblings. It's very, very important. If you don't make that relationship with your spouse to grow, relationship with your siblings will be a threat to it. You will notice that instead of leaving all—it says "a man shall leave father and mother and be joined to his wife"—instead of couples to leave all and be joined to one another, they will use one hand to hold their spouse and the other hand to hold their siblings. And so they are between their siblings and their spouse. And I'm telling you, marriage is just for two. Marriage is not for three. Even three cannot make marriage. The only third person that can be in your marriage and make your marriage to work is God because God is the builder of all things. The person that you cannot do without in your marriage is God. As it says in the Bible, "Except the Lord builds a house, the laborer labors in vain" (Psalm 127:1). So nobody should come in between. So couples must make conscious effort that over time, the relationship they have with their spouse is stronger than the one they have with their siblings, with their mom, with their dad. Or else, if they don't do so, they will find themselves always between their spouse and their siblings. The reason is this: particularly for individuals that are coming from a very, very, very united family. If you're coming from a home where you and your brothers, your mom, your dad, you are so close, you relate very, very well, it's so wonderful. In fact, by the time you are going into marriage, if you are not careful, you are married to somebody but you will still continue to fall back to your siblings. And by the time you don't make the one with your spouse to grow stronger, your base will still be in your father's house. Your base will still be with your siblings. Instead of making friends out of your spouse, you will not be attached to your spouse; you will remain attached to your siblings. They are the ones that will know your in and out. I remember a situation like that where a young man came to the house and to inform his spouse that, "Look, I have seen a land that we are to pay for. Myself and my mom, we have gone to look at the land and I have decided that we should buy it. So I just came to inform you that we need to pull money together to go and buy it." I guess it became a matter between the couple because the wife was wondering, "I thought it should be me and you that will go and look at a land we want to buy, not you and your mom. And okay, if your mom is the one that even know a better place, it should not be coming to me as information. It should be coming to me that there is something mommy wants us to go and look at, let us go and look at it." But all while, discussion continued between the young man and his mom. They decided they did everything and all of that, and then things went on. By the time we were trying to intervene into it, the young man was trying to explain that, "Look, I'm the only child of my mom. And I've been knitted to her. She was the only one that was there for me all along. And so anything, there's nothing I want to do that she must not be involved. And that is why she and I decided it." And I said, "Then you should have married your mom. You should not have married a wife. There wouldn't have been any problem if you had not married." If that is how you want to live your life, then there is no need for a wife. But if you must have a wife, then you must give the wife her place. And you must handle this thing with wisdom. If you don't handle it with wisdom, before you know it, you will be between your wife and your mother. You will be like a man that is in a polygamous marriage, struggling between two women. This one says this, that one says that. You are not a polygamous man. What brought the "poly-war" into your home is that you did not with wisdom manage your mom and your wife. You are using sentiment to manage it. "She has been there all the while." Yes, that is true, but your wife comes before your mother. So there must be a way to marry these two things. And that is why I talk about wisdom initially. The fact that we have long existing relationship with our siblings is why they are very critical in our life. That's why I called them one of the critical trio that we must carefully look at. Now, what makes in-laws unique is the fact that they are siblings. Our existence began with them. Our relationship with them remains till death. And even in death, they are the ones to be called. So they are very critical people. We came to life through our mom. Our existence began in our family. Our relationship began with these people. While we are married, our relationship continues with them. If anything happens, they are the ones again that they will call. If something happened—God forbid—that a wife passed on or the husband passed on, the spouse will have to call the family that, "See oh, this happened oh, that happened oh." You see? So they are very critical to our life. And that is why you don't just trivialize how you want to handle them. You must deliberately decide how they will be handled or else they will tear your marriage apart. You must be conscious. There must be wisdom. Don't take them lightly. Don't treat it lightly, anyhow, anyhow go. Don't do it that way. You may have problem. You may have problem. The same thing happened with our career. The same thing happened with our ex or the friends that have been in our life before we settled down into marriage. These are critical things. Now, honestly, in many ways, our siblings, our job and our career, our ex—if we don't handle them carefully—or our intimate friends before we enter into marriage, honestly in many ways, they are objects of our love, dream, and affection. These three things: our siblings, your job or your career, our friends, intimate friends that we had before we settled down into marriage. They are objects of our dreams, they are objects of our love, they are objects of our affection. They are individuals that are difficult not to oblige. They are individuals that are difficult not to oblige. And they have become an essential part of our life because—like our siblings now—we share blood relationship with them. Our ex, our friends, intimate friends, we have long existing relationship with them. In fact, sometimes these friends, they will contribute so much to the marriage ceremony such that not to want to oblige them becomes difficult. And before you know it sometimes, you might be placing them above your spouse. However, the reality is that in spite of our relationship with our family members, our intimate friends, close friends, tight friends—whatever you call that friend—we must know that our marriage should supersede the relationship we have with them. Nevertheless, it is equally important to remember that under Christ, under the Christ model, where we know that the man is the head and the woman is the body—so the man is the head of his wife, the wife is the body of the husband, they are actually not two but one, that's the Christ model. If we look at that model, if the husband and the wife, they are essentially one, what it translates therefore to mean is that the siblings of our spouse should actually be seen as our siblings. I don't know whether you get what I am trying to establish in what I just said. What I am trying to say is this: if we have a clear understanding that we are no longer two, we are one—if that understanding is clear—then it becomes important that we see ourselves as the extension of each other, that is the husband and the wife. Hence, our spouse's people must become our people. In other words, if I really understand that me and my wife, we are not two people, it's just one person—if my wife understands that, "Oh, I and my husband, we are not two people, it's just one person"—then the truth should be that there should be nothing again once I come into marriage, there should be nothing again like my friend, my intimate friend, my own sister, my own mother, my own brother. No, it should be our sister, our brother, our friend. There should be a deliberate, conscious thing that we want to solve. We must consciously guide this practical reality. When we come into marriage, if we must effectively deal with the issue of our friends and our siblings, the first thing to point is to point out, to understand is that yes, our marriage supersedes all of these. At the same time, if truly we are one, then I shouldn't see all the people who belong to my wife as her own, people who belong to me as my own. Rather, since we have become one, all of those people too should move to one side so that, for instance, my wife's mother should be seen as my mother. My wife's father should be seen as my father. My wife's friend should be seen as my friend. Then very importantly, it becomes important for me to be able to understand that in relating to my people, I should make them see that understanding. That is, when the husband is relating with his people, he should make them see that, "Look, we are no longer two. I want you to relate to us." The wife on her own side should consciously make her own side to see that, "No, look, you are my friend, but you need to become our family friend. You need to become a family thing." Create avenue, create situation. Make sure you are consciously working towards this. You must not allow any of these—either your siblings or your friend—to isolate you from your spouse. When you notice that they are trying to isolate you, to relate with you, you are the one to put your foot on the ground and say no. For instance, if I notice that I have a friend and that friend seems not to want to relate to me and my spouse, he just wants to be my friend, then I should begin to see a need that that friend cannot really remain my intimate friend. I should make him to want to relate to us. But if he's interested in only me, relating with me—"Forget about your wife's case, forget that one"—such a person can no more be your friend. You on your side must deliberately incorporate whatever you have to be a friend of the marriage. And if you notice that someone is not trying to do that, not trying to get that, then you know, that person, it is easier when you make that person to see it, unlike when your spouse is trying to make the person to see it. If your spouse is telling your friend, "Why relating to my husband and you are not relating to me?", it may not sound well unlike when you, who owns the friend initially, is making your friend to see that if you are truly my friend, then you should be able to relate with my wife. And that is why sometimes I normally say this: when you notice that your spouse is having issues with your siblings or your friend, many times the cause of that thing is you. When you notice that your spouse is having issues with either your siblings, mother-in-law, father-in-law, your friend, when you notice such a thing, many times it is because of the way you handle it, not with that person. While there could be exception, it is important for you to note this. We must consciously work around this thing. If we don't consciously do it, we will discover that these people can easily come, put asunder and then you find yourself trying to relate with two sets of people. And that is why today, you hear all kinds of things about mothers-in-law. Somebody has said that why don't we hear too about fathers-in-law? And I said generally, why it seems to be more of mothers-in-law is that most of the time, it is the mothers that have reason, more reason to stay with the couples than the fathers. It is more of the mothers. So they are the ones that will see the limitations. Happy marriages are not made of perfect people. Your spouse has some areas that the person is still struggling with in terms of behavior, in terms of character, in terms of her person. There will be some things about your wife that could put your mother-in-law off, or your husband, your spouse that could put your mother-in-law off. Nobody, there's no perfect person anywhere. And so when the mother-in-law comes around, they're the ones to first start noticing all these things. "This your husband self, this your wife self, this and this and this." And if you don't handle this thing very carefully to make everybody see that, "Look, anybody have their own limitations and you try to see how you manage that thing effectively," before you know it, a battle line will be drawn between the husband and the mother's wife, or the wife and the husband's mother. Before you know it, battle lines are drawn. So it is very, very good to have practical way to deal with this. Now, still talking about that before I go to some practical ways of achieving these things, I want to quickly mention that I want you to know this—those of you that are in marriage, those of you that are also thinking of marriage—if you have any ex in your life—ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, any ex, anybody that you have have so much intimate relationship with, particularly of the opposite sex, and then you have made up your mind that that is not the person you are marrying, this is the person you are marrying—you must be very, very, very, very deliberate and careful. People have tendencies to easily reconnect with their ex, to easily reconnect with those they have affinity for. Be careful about people that are ex. Affinity with ex don't die very easily if you don't deal with it consciously and deliberately. And so you must learn to guide your marriage very, very deliberately against the intrusion of any ex. You must be very, very, very, very, in fact, let me use this practical illustration. If the tendency to fall, to misbehave, to fall into sin through third party on a scale of 10, if the tendency is 6, with our ex, the tendency goes to 9. You must be watchful, careful about the issue of ex. We have seen in practical marriage counseling session that you have had with several people, we have seen how the ex person in the wife's life, the ex person in the husband's life have become people that eventually turned the husband and the wife against themselves. So you must be very, very careful about this category of people. Be conscious, be deliberate. When I say be conscious, be deliberate, this is what I am trying to say. If you want to destroy a man, what you need to do is to break his focus. One way to easily destroy a man or a woman is to break the person's focus. If you enter into marriage, I am begging you, be careful with anything that is breaking your focus on your spouse. Anything that affects your focusing on your spouse will destroy your marriage. If you want to destroy any person's marriage, just do everything to shift their focus. So many things are there today that are focus-shifters. The last one I will talk about once I through with this, with this what I'm discussing now, is that your career, your career and your job. Be careful with focus-shifting factors. Whatsoever is shifting your focus from your spouse will destroy your marriage. Practical ways of achieving right attitude towards relationship with in-laws, relationship with people that are intimate with us before we entered into marriage—just practical things we want to mention. Number one, if possible—I am saying that because there could be exception—if possible, as newly married couple, do not allow any of your family members, either from the side of wife or the side of husband, don't allow any to live with you. If it is possible. The same thing with friends that are intimate friends—"Oh, meet this my intimate friend, he just want to spend six months in our house, he's trying to get a place." Meet my wife, meet Sister Ajoke, meet Sister Aduke, meet Sister Funke, meet Sister Oyindamola, all these kind of things. "She just want to spend six months with us. Oh, she's my wonderful friend. She was when we were on campus, we used to be very, very close." I want to beg you, as newly married couples, don't allow any of this category to live with you. If it is possible. That's why I said there could be exception. There are families that the husband is the first-born, and they are 13 in their home, or they are seven. And they all put their hand together to train the first-born and they have been praying that once the first-born married like this, three other ones will join him so that he can begin to take care of their school fees. There are situations like that. There are differences that must have been properly considered. And that's why I said if it is possible. If it's possible that in such situation, they can still be with your parents but you are the one taking time to still send their school fees and all that—they are not living with you in your own home. If it is possible, look for a way to work around it. And if it is—there are situations where it is practically impossible. But I'm saying that practically, if it is possible, the best is that when people newly get married, they should not allow any of this category to live with them. The reason is because newly weds are just getting to know each other. When they get married, there will be diverse home-front challenges, and trying to discover and understand themselves. Having a third party live with them at that stage may not only compound their challenges but may also lead to preventable disaffection between the newly weds and the extended family members or the close friends. You know, these two people, they are just wedded. They are still trying to understand themselves. If there's no third party between them—"Do you know that your wife just said this to me when you left for office? If you see the way your husband greeted me this morning, if you see..."—if such a thing is not—the two of them, they have their own challenge, trying to understand themselves. Now putting a third person to now begin to—this is what he did, this is what he said—may cause a lot of problem for the two of them. And so it is good to allow the two people who are trying to understand themselves, when they are newly wed, to leave them. Let them practically begin to go through some things together, learn themselves, be able to understand themselves, know their point of weakness, know where this person—what do you need to understand about your wife, about your husband, his personality, his background? Understand the person before you begin to bring a third person to come and be in between the two of you. So that is one practical thing we can do in handling that. Then another practical thing we can do in dealing with particularly in-laws now—brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law—as much as possible, extension of fellowship to in-laws should come from the spouse who is not related by blood to them. What I mean is that if you want to extend fellowship to the husband's family, if both of you have decided it, let your wife be the person that will call them and say, "Ah, this and this and that oh, we want to give you this." You don't need to try to win your family. You're already a member of your family. There's nothing to win about them. But your wife will need to win their love. So when you want to extend fellowship to them, let it come from your wife. The same way, if you want to extend fellowship to the family of the wife, it is good that the husband is in the forefront. If you want to call the father-in-law, the mother-in-law, the sibling, and say, "Ah, we have this thing we want to give you, how do I meet you and then how do I give you?" so that in a way you are endearing your spouse to your family members. But if you are the one that keep extending to them, they will not see the relevance of the other person. And many times, they will keep relating to you as an individual. But if it is coming from the other person, they will know that, "Okay, the two of you must have discussed it." They begin to see that, "Okay, for us to get something from this person, it is through this person." That way, they would not want to relate to you separately. I'm just trying to make you see some practical things you can do—steps of wisdom that you can do. Another thing to note again practically, in dealing with mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, those things, we should have this understanding that one day we will become in-laws too. One way or the other, we are also in-laws too here and there, or we will become in-laws. We must do everything not to be bitter towards them. Besides, they are from backgrounds that are totally different from ours. Some might not be Christians. Patience and understanding must be employed here. In dealing with in-laws, there is the place of patience and understanding. You yourself, you are not perfect. But the mother-in-law is not perfect, the father-in-law is not perfect too, the brother-in-law is not perfect. So don't expect people that will always work perfectly in your dreams. If you are going into marriage, I keep telling people, if you don't want to make yourself friendly, don't go into marriage. You will have problem. You will have serious problem. If you are somebody that, "It's about me, me, me, me. I don't want to be disturbed. I don't want this. I just like to be in my space. That is the kind of life I want." If you are somebody like that, and that is how you want to choose to remain all your life, please don't marry. You will have problem. But if you don't want to have problem, as you are making your mind to go into marriage, begin to beg God for a large heart to accommodate people. To accommodate peoples'—people can misunderstand you, you can misunderstand them. Have a large heart of patience and understanding. Have a large heart that there is no perfect person anywhere. Have a large heart that people can offend you, and you don't have to be necessarily bitter, necessarily critical. You want to backlash, you want to set everything on fire because somebody have offended you, he has spoken one way or the other. You will never have a marriage. So please, another practical thing to do in looking towards marriage relationship, in relating with in-laws, relating with siblings, is please beg God for a large heart. A large heart of patience. A large heart of understanding. A very large one, so that you are not unnecessarily critical, you are not unnecessarily difficult, you are not unnecessarily overbearing. This is a very important thing to note practically. Another very important point about dealing with in-laws—another very practical one—is that in the Nigerian culture, you can't avoid in-laws coming around. Except you want to live outside Nigeria. You want to talk, you want to live as if you are white. But I'm talking about societal reality. Paul said, "When I was in Rome, I behaved like a Roman to win those of Rome. When I was among the Greek, I behaved again like this to win them." There is something you must understand very practically. In the Nigerian culture, you cannot avoid in-laws coming around. Even if both of you travel to the moon, in-laws will come and visit you in that moon one of these days. They will come around. They might be say, "Okay, we'll be coming around to spend two, three weeks with you." You begin to tell yourself, "They can't come to this house. It's just me and you. Nobody I don't want anybody around me." Don't go into marriage with that kind of heart. Don't go that way. Go with a clear understanding. And that is why I said at the beginning, you should begin to see your wife's people, your husband's people as your people. You begin from the beginning to understand we are not two but one. And because we are not two but one, then your people are my people. If you have been—these are things you must prepare your heart for before you enter into marriage. Prepare your heart for, prepare yourself about it before you enter into marriage. Prepare yourself about these things. Don't carry a mentality of, "No, nobody can come to our house oh, nobody can stay, nobody." No, no, no. Any small thing, "What you and your brother, what are you discussing?" Don't see yourself competing with anybody. You are not competing with anybody. Rather, you see yourself as, "These people are my people." And that is why the issue of accommodating, the issue of a large heart, those things—things that you must have prepared yourself for to get yourself into. So in the Nigerian culture, you can't avoid your in-laws coming around, and even coming to live with you, particularly when you start having children. Particularly in situation when you start having children, you can't avoid it. It's expected of mothers, especially—and that is why we talk about mother-in-law who is wicked, mother-in-law that is that, mother-in-law that is like this. In the Nigerian culture, you can't avoid your in-laws coming around and even coming to live with you, particularly when you start having children. It's expected that mothers especially to take care of the new wife who has just been delivered of a child. Although we have seen wives who said the mother did not come to take care of her oh, she's the one taking care of the mother-in-law. But the point is that you cannot avoid them coming. And when they come like that, they may want to stay for one week, they may want to stay for two weeks before they go back in the name of they have come to care for the baby. These may not be practical things in the Western world, but these are practical things in the African world. These are things as believers we cannot shut our eyes away from. You cannot. Hence, we must exercise patience and understanding in dealing with mothers. And if possible—listen to this practical thing relating to in-laws—in dealing with mothers, and if possible, the wife's mother should stay and take care of the wife and the newly born, if it is possible. Sometimes it may be the husband's mother. But the reason why we are advising about the wife's mother is that the wife who really need the help—because many times, the husband will see there is no paternal leave, it is maternal leave—so even if the child comes in today, the husband may still have to go to his own place of work. It will be the wife and that person who came to help to be at home. We are thinking that the wife will find it easier to be able to relate to her own mom than to relate to the husband's mom. There could be exception to this. There are wives who said, wow, they prefer their husband's mom to be around than their own mother. There could be exception to that. But we're just talking about practical steps to take. We're saying that because ordinarily, the wife and the mom having grown up with each other, having been with each other for a very long time, they would have understood themselves. They would have have some understanding of themselves. So it will not be trying to understand her mother. And then again, the wife can easily say some things to her mom that her mom can readily overlook. "Mommy, I cannot cook oh, I'm tired. Please, you know I'm very tired now, please go and cook something for yourself." It might be difficult for the wife to tell the husband's mom, "But you see I'm very tired, ma, go and cook for yourself." In fact, that might even be seen as an insult from the mother-in-law. And the wife may not be trying to insult her; it's just that she's practically tired. So we are just looking at wisdom to manage our in-laws. Practical wisdom. So for the newly wed, when the baby start coming in, it might be good to look at these things practically. You might not be able to stop the two of them from coming—the mother side, the mother of the wife, the parents of the wife, the parents of the husband—everyone may want to come. But if you are thinking of someone to stay, it might be good ordinarily or generally to encourage the mother of the wife to stay longer than the mother of the husband. That way, there will be little—we have looking at it that there will be little friction. We cannot say there will be no friction, because the husband too can have issue with the mother of the wife. There will be less friction. But because the wife is the one that needs that attention, that person coming to care for the home will spend more time with the wife than with the husband. And so there's likely to be less friction. So that is what we are trying to say. That's another practical thing we need to look at. And also in dealing with in-laws, please, if you're that kind of person that will say whatsoever me and my husband earn is only for me and my husband, or it's only for me and my wife, we are not caring for any anybody from any family, it may be good for you not to marry. In the Nigerian culture, these are things that you cannot rule out. The general understanding will be that, okay, you now that both of you are now working, our son is now working, at least some things should be coming. "Oh, our daughter that we have trained, she's now working, at least some things should come." So a practical way to deal with in-laws so you don't give yourself stress, don't have the mentality of, "Everything that He has given me and my husband, He has just given me and my wife, nobody should disturb, she's now my wife, nobody should disturb her, all her money is my money, I'm her husband, nobody can decide about money." You will only give yourself unnecessary stress. You may end up scattering your marriage. Because the other person may feel that, "Ah, with this my job that I'm now comfortable, oh, I will need to do this for my parents." You too may feel I want to do that, and that is why I said fundamentally, at the point of marriage, you must see all of these extended family as "our" people, not your own people, my own people. See them as our people. And plan before they begin to ask. Both of you decide how you want to help. So that you already have a plan. "Okay monthly, we'll be putting this aside so that we can help this, we know this. Okay in my own parents, this one, they have more need, this one they have less need." You look at the peculiarities of the two families. Look at which one—there are situations where some family may not need so much money because the parents are very, very comfortable. In fact, they will be the ones even sending to you. That can be a situation. Situations, it could be the wife's family that need money more than the husband's family. It could be the husband's family that need more than the wife's family. In some situations, the wife's family may be very, very comfortable, they look at them, there's really nothing to give them. But the husband's family is really, really struggling, they need a lot of help. It could be the other way. So both of you sit down together. These are our people. How do we help our people? What can we set apart? "Okay, we are setting apart 10,000 monthly. From the look of things, this one, they have less need. We'll be giving them 3,000 out of it, we'll be sending 7,000 to this side." You know, these are things you must have pre-decided. Have that kind of heart when you are going into marriage. Or else, you are not preparing well to relate to your siblings, mother-in-law, father-in-law, brothers-in-law. You are not preparing. Prepare, prepare to meet them. Prepare your life. One foolishness most people just think that, "The man shall leave father and mother, and be joined to his wife, they have joined now, nobody should..." Yes, we know. Like we said, marriage supersede every other relation. But we must also understand that's why we're talking about the criticals—understanding the critical third parties in our life. Our siblings, our father, our mother. These are critical third parties that will be there till death. They are critical people that you cannot just close your eyes away from, that you cannot avoid. So the best is to prepare. The best is to prepare. Lay a good foundation for how you want to do it. And before you know it, you will have wonderful relationship with your in-laws. I'm somebody that enjoyed a very wonderful relationship with my in-laws. Because we prepared. Prepare, you prepare. Don't just close your eyes against them. Don't just close your heart against them. Because they cannot be avoided. Remember when you wanted to take your wife or your husband, you met with them. Wouldn't you ask him who is your father? Wouldn't you—if he said, "I don't have any family, it's only me," will you marry the person? I want to ask you, if you meet with somebody today, "Where are your brothers?" "I don't have any." "Uncles?" "I don't have any." "Father?" "I don't have any." "Mother? No, I fell from the sky. I don't have any. It is just me and me alone." Will you go to the altar with such a person? Of course, you will not. I'm trying to make you see how critical these people are. And many times, people don't prepare their heart on how to relate to them. That is why they come in a stormy sea today with these people. We don't prepare to face the reality. You enter into marriage with a very vague, vague idea of how to relate to them, vague idea of what to do. You don't, you don't prepare. You don't get yourself set. And so when you get into it, before you know it, your mother, your mother against—above your wife, you place your father above your husband, your brothers are—and then they now say they are the ones that scattered your marriage. You are the one responsible for your own foolishness. It is the way you handle them that made them come in between you. It is the way you handle them. That's why they came in between you. So it's very important to understand this reality. Another thing I need to mention in practically dealing with in-laws is—technical, if there are questions online, please let us begin to have them. It's already to twelve. Let's begin to have questions if there are questions online. Bedtime, if there are questions, please begin to let the questions come in. It's actually time for question and answer time. Now, another thing I want to show here is that as a wife, as a husband, whichever way, don't go beyond your strength. Couples should understand their strength and their limitations. You cannot please everybody. You cannot. You are not the Central Bank for all siblings, in-laws' need. You are not their financial messiah. So each couple should sit down and understand their strength and their limitation. You need to know your limitation. By what I've said about these realities, I am not saying that couples should live to placate their in-laws or be pressurized to do anything they cannot afford. Be real in dealing with them. Be real. Be real in dealing with them. What you can afford, what you can give. Who is your neighbor? Ordinarily, who is your neighbor? Your neighbor is anyone who has need and you have capacity to meet that need. That is what we learned in the Bible, the Good Samaritan. Somebody was in need, somebody could meet the need, and he met the need. The other people, the Levite, the priest, they were bad neighbors. They could meet the need but they did not for some useless reason. "Ah, this is a Samaritan. Ah, this is—I'm a priest, I don't want to be stained." What is important about the clothes he was wearing and the person that is dying? "Oh, I'm a Levite. I don't want to..." Humanity is dying, you are talking about you don't want to be desecrated. And then he just took the other way and went. Then we talk about the Samaritan who was there to help the man. So ordinarily, our neighbor is anybody who has need and we have capacity to meet that need. So determine your capacity, what you can afford, what you can do. Don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure. Once you begin to pressurize yourself to please siblings, to please some categories of friends or people, I'm telling you, you will destroy your union. You will destroy your union. And over time, go and watch it, you will begin to hate these people. You will begin to hate them. Anytime you see them come, "They have come again, these useless people. They will not allow me enjoy my home. They will not understand these people." Because you are pressurizing yourself to please them. But if you are not under pressure in pleasing them, that's why I tell people, don't placate people. People you—when you placate people to live with them, you are actually destroying your relationship with them. Over time, you will not want to relate with those you placate because you are not yourself. So anytime they come, "When they come now, it will be... I know I cannot afford that kind of money and they will... I have been giving them... The last time I did it, I know the problem that I have." And before you know it, you see that you have destroyed your relationship with them. But when you are real, "This is what I can afford," and then, "I don't have that oh, this is what I can do, this is how I can do it," and you are helping people within that which you can do, you will notice that their presence will not make you feel bitter. You will because what you are doing, you are doing within your means and you are joyfully doing it. In fact, sometimes when they say, "Don't worry," you will refuse, say, "No, if you know you are my friend, take it." Because you are doing it joyfully, you are doing it within your means. These are practical things to note about relating to in-laws, relating to siblings, relating to close friends, relating to people that you feel are close to you before you enter into marriage. It's very, very important to note this. The last one along that line that I have not touched on very well, issue of your—the last one there I think is job and career advancement. This is another critical third party you must decide about. How do we define third party? Humans or things. Third party can be something, it may not even be a human being. Our job and our career development is another critical third party you must decide about. I've seen situations where people got married and then the spouse was thinking that, "Okay now that we are married, we will need to live together." And the other one said, "No, ah, how do we—we will not be able to live together oh. We will not be able to live together oh. Because, you know, me I cannot leave my job oh. You, you will be there. Me, I will be there because my job..." The question is, what were you thinking about before you got married? What was on your mind when you were thinking of marriage? What were your plans? You want to settle down, there's already a third party putting asunder. The first thing is what I said too about siblings, about friends, about close associates. First thing is to realize that marriage supersede your job and your career. If you don't have that mentality, I will advise you not to marry. If you don't have that kind of understanding, please, you will have problem in marriage. There's already something that is going to cause a problem. Many of the problems we are having today with marriages is because people go into marriage not understanding what marriage is all about. They enter into marriage with wrong mentality. So one thing I want to say is this: anybody who does not see marriage as superseding career development and job is not fit for marriage. It's not fit for marriage because that job and that career will be what will scatter the marriage. So instead of—you see, if you want me about—one thing you look at the Bible, like I was in one church last month, sorry, it was in August, I was in a church and I said this: is it compulsory we marry? The whole church was quiet. I said, "Is it compulsory that we marry?" After some time, some said "Yes," some said "No." Those of you who said "No," I said, "Okay, why no?" They said whether you marry or you don't marry, you have not sinned. So they don't think it's compulsory because those who are not married will go to heaven and those who are married, if they live well in their marriage, they will go to heaven. So they don't think it's compulsory. Those who said "Yes," I said why do you say it's compulsory? They said because God command us to marry. I said "Yes." But you must get something clear. God commands those who really want to marry to marry. God's command is not saying you must marry. But His command is that those who are willing, those who feel like having a wife, those who feel, "Okay, I feel God's call for me to have children," those who see that as a vision, God commanded that if they do it outside marriage, they will have committed fornication. They would have given birth to children of adultery. So if you are thinking of having someone to have sex with, having a child, having all of that, God said marriage is honorable. But if you are not thinking of that, of course, you can live your life till you die, you have not committed anything. Nothing is compulsory. You now said, "Okay, okay, okay, so marriage is not compulsory?" I said, "No, marriage is not compulsory." Why is it that people enter into marriage but they don't want to do what marriage demands? I said so one fundamental problem today about marriage is that people want to eat their cake and still have it back. If you don't want anybody to disturb your life and you still want to get to heaven as a Christian, then live in celibacy. Stay like that to the glory of God. Give yourself to God's service. Be sure you are not committing fornication. Be sure you are not lusting. Be sure you have a lot of things to meet your need—a lot of technology can help you do a lot. You can make friends out of so many things. You can just have friends and then you live your life and you die. And nobody will be telling you submit to this, love this, share your—no, you cannot. Nobody will be telling you all of that because it's only meant for the married. But you know, I see women who want to marry but they don't want to submit to a husband. You are only being stupid. You're just foolish. If you don't want to submit to a man, don't marry. And enjoy your life as a single person and enjoy your singlehood. And you can serve God, I'm telling you, you can serve God with that. Live a holy life, live unto God. And honestly, when you get to the gate of heaven, it will be, "Welcome, thou good and faithful servant who gave yourself to this thing because you wanted to serve God, because you wanted to have time for God, because you wanted to..." and then it's okay. But don't be the one that will say that they are sisters or they are this, they are in that life of celibacy and they are still committing fornication behind. That is stupidity. That is foolishness. The same thing for you as a man. You would have joined us in our day, you would have become another Paul, men who gave themselves to kingdom service. But if you are choosing to marry, and you don't have a mentality that the marriage, if for you, job and career development is more important than marriage, supersede marriage, I want to advise you don't marry. You will have problem. You have already laid a foundation for the problem that you will have. So the first thing about job and career development is to understand that marriage supersede it if you want to go into marriage. The second thing about job and career development that is taken from the first is that job and career development must be reconciled with the demands of marriage, not trying to reconcile marriage with the demands of the job. I don't know whether you understand me. You should—what I am trying to say is like the person who said, "Although we are married oh, but we cannot live together because my kind of job..." That person should not have married. If there is a kind of job that will not make you to be able to live together with your wife, if you are thinking of marriage, you either change that job. Change the job to the one that can make you sustain marriage. You can't eat your cake and still have it back. If this one is what you prefer most, then continue with this and leave this. That is why you have some today, what I call absentee fathers. They will leave the wife to be taking care of the children, they say they are looking for money that they will use to sustain the family. That's not wisdom. Children need the authority of the father in the house. They need the man person. They need the father figure. They want to see the man set examples for them, set roles, lead the family altar, lead this. Your boy child want to learn what it means to be a man. Your girl child want to know what it means to relate to a father. Today, a lot of absentee fathers. And then when you are trying to make them see that reality, they say, "No, no, no, you see this job?" Think of how to reconcile your career and your job and your career development with your marriage. If you must develop in your career, let's look at how to—let's look, "Okay, this development, how do I do it that will not affect my home? How do we arrange it? How do we..." That's what I'm trying to say. How do I put this? How do I do this? How do I set that in place in such a way that the marriage is not affected, that the home is not affected? And that is why today too you have—what I call children who don't know what—I was discussing with somebody a few weeks back and she was saying that one major thing that made the person violating her sexually in their compound, what made him to continue for almost close to almost a year, was that her mother was never available. She said then she was just six or seven years old. The moment she woke up, "Mommy," she's gone by 5:00. She's back by 10:00, she's tired. By this and that, so at a point she could not connect with her mom. The father figure was not there, the mother figure was not there. They're all living in the same house oh. And the neighbor kept on, kept on, and then that continued for almost a year. Absentee parents. There's another one again, a case where the lady was being violated. The lady came to assist, she was asked to come and assist in the house. The wife was an absentee wife, and so gradually the husband started by first discussing with the wife—discussing with the helper they brought that, "You see, this woman is not always available," and what began to happen to the helper is that, "Look, I will be substituting her place with you." While I'm not justifying indiscipline—we have looked at that sometimes back—I'm only saying that marriage has its own demands. And one demand is that anybody who wants to marry must reconcile job and career development with the marriage. If you're not ready to make the marriage come first and then see how you reconcile your job with it, whether you need to change job, whether you need to do something that you can reconcile whatever you need to do around that, if you don't set up a mind for that now, I am telling you, you're not going to have a successful, what you may call a successful marriage, a successful home. As we draw the curtain today, on Third Party in Marriage, I want to believe that brethren connecting with us have learned one or two things. I don't know whether there's any question in the house. Okay, there's also no question in the house. So let's try to close the meeting today. It's virtually three minutes to 12:00. Let's talk to the Lord in prayer. Let's talk to the Lord in prayer. Let's commit our homes to the hand of the Lord. Third Party in Marriage—the critical trio: our siblings, job and career, exes in our life, and then our intimate friends. These are the critical three that we discussed today. The critical trio. They are third parties, but they are very, very critical. They are third parties, but they are very, very critical. Let's ask Him, let's talk to the Lord this afternoon now, that the Lord will help us. The Lord will help us to be responsible in relating to these critical third parties. Our Father, we thank You again for this afternoon. We say to You be glory, to You be honor, to You be praise. We worship You for Your presence in our midst. We thank You, Lord, for reaching out to us in our various situations, in our various stances. Lord, we pray that You have joined together, and which You will eventually join together for those of us who have not yet entered into marriage. Lord, we pray that nothing shall put asunder, in the name of Jesus. Thank You, eternal Father. In Jesus' most holy name we pray. Amen. Let's share the grace together in fellowship. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with us now and forevermore. Amen. This message is coming to you from Family Tent Ministry, a Christian ministry involved in enriching the lives of singles and married through preaching and teaching of God's Word, discipleship, family life enrichment, social and community development, and mission aid. Our regular activities are discipleship class every Monday, 5:00 PM; adolescent and singles club, every first Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; marriage forum, second Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM; family life seminars, regular school outreaches, and everyday counseling. For further counseling, you can reach us at our location: Life Camp, by the first bridge, Ilere community, opposite very Joy Filling Station, along Igbara Road, Akure, Ondo State, Nigeria. You can also reach us through our social media handles: familytent@yahoo.co.uk, familytentministry01@gmail.com, www.familytentministry.org. Our phone numbers are 08033861136, 07033613848. God bless you all.